My family

My family
2023

Monday, July 25, 2011

Summer thoughts - freedom

Summer - for most of us the word triggers memories of watermelon and ice cream, trips to the park and beach, swimming in a pool and family vacations. Sometimes the word triggers other memories too - summer romances and heartbreaks, family reunions and family conflicts, or perhaps just a longing to go back to "the good 'ol days". My next few entries are going to be about summer memories.
Have you ever compared your childhood to your children's? I have been doing that this summer. Often Steve and I will talk with other adults about the freedom we had as children. Take for example riding our bikes. We would ride our bikes everywhere, miles away from home, along busy streets. Today, I have a hard time letting my daughter go 1 mile from home. When they do go out on their bikes, I make them call when they arrive to their destination - timing it from when they left. (and if it takes longer then it should, I have my car keys ready to go find them)
Is it because I don't trust my girls? Absolutely not!! I trust them; I don't trust the world around them.  My girls are getting to an age where I have to start letting them spread their wings more. I need to trust that Steve and I have taught them well and that they will be safe "out there", but I hear the stories on the news about children grabbed from the street walking or riding home from a friends house. They make it hard for me to let my children experience the freedom I had as a child. I wonder sometimes if I am sheltering them or perhaps smothering them with my protectiveness.
At the same time, I look around (again comparing my youth to today's) and kids seem to be growing up faster. Ten year old girls with boyfriends. Kids with no rules or too much freedom, who act out looking for someone to set some boundaries. Boundaries that give the child some sense of security and show them someone cares what happens to me. I know that too much freedom for a child is unhealthy too.
What does a parent do? The best they can. Steve and I look to our family and friends and our faith to help us decide how much freedom to allow our children. This year, our oldest got a cell phone and a Facebook account, but she got them with guidelines and restrictions. Some freedom, but not too much - I hope.
I talk with my girls about their summer memories (so far) and I don't think they feel they are smothered or lacking in any freedom. Their memories are very similar to mine. Swimming at pools and beaches, camping trips and summer camp, occasional trips out for ice cream or to the ice cream truck, trips to grandparents and hanging around the neighborhood with friends. So far, I think they are OK with the amount of freedom they have. And when they need more, maybe I will be ready for it!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Heaven and the Meaning of Life

I know. Pretty deep title for this early in the morning, huh? I guess I am feeling pretty "deep" today.
This past weekend, we went camping in a beautiful area of New York. We hiked gorgeous ravines and along some beautiful waterfalls. We watched deer, squirrels, chipmunks and even bugs and snakes. We sat by a campfire and watched the stars. <sigh> For me, it was like heaven on Earth.
I was also reading a book about heaven. Maybe you've read it? "Five People you'll Meet in Heaven"? I loved it; couldn't put it down. What an interesting way to look at what heaven could be like.
If you haven't read it, the book is about the life and death of a man who felt his life had no purpose or meaning. When he arrives in heaven 5 people (1 at a time) greet him and help him to understand that his life DID have purpose and meaning.
I think, I loved this story because it supports a belief I have always had. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I don't believe in coincidence. Everything good and bad has a reason for happening, even when we don't see or understand the reasons. We may never understand this side of heaven why somethings happen. But if heaven is like this story depicts, someday we will have a wonderful understand and peace about everything that happened in our life, good and bad.
When we are going through tough times, losses, illnesses or pain, we can find it hard to remember that there might be a reason or purpose for the trials and losses we are facing. We can forget that there are people and a God who love us. We can lose sight of the good that is in our life and focus only on the negative. I know. I have been there. I have lost friends and I don't understand why. I have faced pains and hardships that I didn't see the point of. My trials might be small compared to others, but I do remember dark times where hope & meaning was hard to find. I can remember, vividly, my thoughts and my heart screaming out "WHY!!!!????"
This story give me hope. Yes, I know it's fiction. Even so, it renewed my belief and my hope that one day I will have all the answers I need. I will know "why?" and I will understand the purpose and the meaning of life. So as I sit here, drinking my coffee and facing my "routine" and "unexciting" life, I am content. I don't know all the answers about the meaning and purpose of my life, but I have faith, someday, I will.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Stress

I have been a bit stressed lately. Have you ever had those days? The ones where you are stressed, but aren't sure why? The bills are getting paid. Everyone is healthy. You have a roof over your head, a car that works and a family that loves and supports you, but you are short tempered and worried and well, stressed.
Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's the messy house which is messy because of the unfinished projects going on (bathroom renovation, painting bedrooms and so on). Maybe it's the busy pace of life or suddenly realizing your babies aren't babies anymore. Who knows?
For several years now, I have worried and stressed over the size of the school district we live in and my daughters attending the public schools as they got older. I worried about them growing up too fast because so many of their classmates are 10 going on 30. I worried about what and who they will be exposed to. All this worry leads me to stress about money... money for a bigger house in a smaller school district or maybe for private school. Stress about money leads to stress about working or not working, going to school or not, job vs career and so on and so on.
Then, last night, I watched. I watched my oldest and her class mates. I watched her friends and her peers. I watched and listened to how they interacted with one another. I watched as they were honored for making a difference in their school, for being role models and for making good choices that will positively impact their futures. I also started thinking about my discussions with my daughter over the past several years about school, friends and even about or "little" house and moving.
Today, I am starting to stress less. I am seeing more clearly now that peer pressure and kids that are growing up too fast are everywhere - small town or big city and everywhere in between. I am seeing that money isn't everything and that not having more money and a bigger house has been a blessing. I am seeing that I am blessed (and so are my girls) to have a husband who is an involved father and an extended family who is there to love and support us. No matter where we are, how much money we make or what school my girls go to, how we parent them makes more of a difference than ANY outside factor.
Does this mean I won't still worry about their education, friends, activities and so on? No, I will still worry - I think that's part of motherhood. But, I do think I will stress less about it.
Now - if only I could figure out a way to not stress about the house work and projects. <sigh> I guess that will be a subject for another days. LOL

Friday, June 3, 2011

Girls Weekend

I remember girls' weekends of a decade ago (or maybe it was more). Girlfriends, staying out all night at night clubs, food and wine and lots of "girl talk" AKA gossip. How times have changed. Today, I am preparing for a different kind of girls' weekend. Oh, it's still going to involve, staying up all night, food (mostly junk food), a  nice dinner out and girl talk, but this one's going to be very different from girls weekends of my past.
Steve and I have been preparing for THIS girls' weekend for 13 years since welcoming a baby girl into the world. Now, that baby is almost as tall as me and turning heads of boys (and young men).  Over the years, we have talked, prayed and sought advice about raising her, keeping lines of communication open and teaching her to become a young woman. This weekend is going about doing all of those things.
I am so excited. We will be going whitewater rafting - something I did for the first time when I was about her age. We'll be talking and eating and playing games. I am excited for the opportunity to have this time to REALLY get to know her, without her sisters, friends and other influences or distractions. Getting to know her as a teen, not as my "baby girl". We'll be discussing some really deep issues like her hopes and dreams, her faith and values, dating and yes, sex. We've talked about many of these things before and I hope and pray we continue to talk about them.
Talking to my peers, I have found we more often than not didn't talk about things like "deep" things growing up, with each other or our parents. Often, we still don't talk about them sometimes. Instead, we bottle stuff up, assume it's "just us" or "normal". We hurt inside or we rejoice, alone. Recently, I have seen this changing. Girls Nights Out (or GNOs) now are less about gossip and forgetting our problems and more about sharing and caring and bonding. Friends sharing struggles with parenting, health, spiritual issues, career or financial issues. Friends sharing and rejoicing in good news too like beating cancer, getting a new job, finding love. Won't it be nice if my daughters always know that they don't have to bottle stuff up inside? If they know they can share concerns or questions or joys with me or their dad and their God?
I thought I would be nervous, anxious or even scared about this weekend, but I am not. I am truly looking forward to it. Sadly, I look back at her baby pictures and know that a chapter has ended. Yet, when one chapter ends, another begins and I am SOO excited to see what this next chapter has in store for it's main characters.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

pet peeves

Need to vent and process for a bit. I am not trying to be a downer and I don't want this blog to be a negative thing but I really need to sort this out. And if you have any wise words to share, I'd love to hear them.
I discovered last night I have a MAJOR pet peeve. Something that makes me so mad I want to scream, but can't. My newly discovered pet peeve.... people who don't know me or my children & family and who have never raised a child telling me how I should be raising my kids. In addition, the person involved also criticized my daughters character - taking one of her best (in my opinion) characteristics - her concern for others - and making it a flaw. "She really needs to be more independent", this person grumbled. (Actually, the person wasn't as polite as that). My inner "mama bear" kicked in and I politely defended my daughter and the person backed down some, but inside I am still upset about it. Why is it people who have never raised a child think they are experts at doing so?
Thinking about it later, while I am still angry, I also want to laugh at and cry for the person who made the comments. Why? Because if I have learned anything as a parent over the past 13+ years, it's when you judge and criticize someone else's child, that trait or thing you are judging will come back to you 10X bigger. For example, I once cared for a baby that spat up a lot. I remember saying or thinking "I have never cared for a more spitty baby". Then I had my Allie, who was 10X's worse. Or once someone called my daughter a drama queen. Then she had a son who was an even bigger moodier drama queen. I could probably rattle off dozens of examples like these. So today& in the future, this person who's saying my daughter is too insecure or dependent, needs to watch out when she has a child. It makes me want to laugh and say "pay back's a $^*%*" and it makes me feel sorry and sad for this person.
I also feel guilty. Guilty for not letting out my inner mama bear more and letting this person know how out of line and wrong she was. Guilty for wanting to laugh at her and thinking "just you wait".
So how do I process all these feelings about an event that's in the past and I can't change? This blog entry helps. I sometimes have to process things out on "paper", so thanks for allowing me the opportunity to vent and process. Next, I guess I start with that saying of "let go and let God". I need to let go of these feelings, especially my judgmental feelings of "you'll get yours". I need to hope or trust that I handled the situation in the best way possible at that time and in that place. and last I ask you - my friends, for advice. What would you do?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bare with me

For being a "smart girl" and a math/science geek, I am really clueless when it comes to new technology. I don't have a iphone or smart phone or a blackberry  or anything remotely similar because all I want is a phone to just call and talk to people - that and I am clueless about the technology. So, as I am attempting this blog thing.. I want to play with adding music and photos and video but I have no clue what I am doing. As a result, if you are reading my blog, things might get lost or look crazy for a while. Please bear or bare? with me!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Growing Pains

Growing pains are good, right? They represent change and growth and maturity (or at least maturing), don't they? So why do they hurt?
I am nearly 40 and today I am experiencing some growing pains.
My first born baby turns 13 this week. So far we have gone through a few rights of passage that come with becoming a teen. She started a FB account. She's been chatting with girl friends on the phone in her bedroom for long lengths of time. They have started coordinating outfits to wear to school. And this A.M. I helped her put on some modest make-up to wear to school.
When did this happen? When did she turn into a young women and stop being such a little girl?How much room do I give her to spread her wings?
And the mommy guilt - yikes! Have we done enough to prepare her for what she's now facing in school and the "real world" as a young teen today? And her sisters aren't far behind. I feel like I missed more with them - more teachable moments and opportunities. Am I too late for them? Compared to their peers, Steve and I have really sheltered our girls. We are pretty strict about what they watch, read and do and who they hang out with. Is that going to backfire on us?
Growing pains... I think ours as parents might be worst than those of our children. We get to a point where all we can do is watch helplessly as our child faces bullies, peer pressure, worldly pressures and major life choices. It's out of our control.
But wait, was it ever in our control? I don't believe so. Sure Steve and I play an important role. So do extended family members, friends and teachers at school and at church. But truly, God is in control. He is who I have to lean when I am going through these growing pains. I can talk to Him and ask Him for His help, guidance and protection, for me and for my girls. He has a plan for each of us. He knows how many days we each have here and He had hopes and dreams for my girls long before I did.
I have a new favorite song by Laura Story called "Blessings". The refrain of the song reminds me how God uses our trials and growing pains to help us learn and grow. I am trusting these growing pains and whatever challenges come our way as our girls maneuver through their teens will be used to help them become the women God has planned for them to be.
Blessings
We pray for blessings We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights  Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home, It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Sunday, April 3, 2011

In the silence

The kids are tucked in and the house is quiet. I love this time of night. I used to hate the sound of silence. At times, I guess I still do. But at the end of the day, when I know my family is safe and healthy and tucked comfortably into warm beds, I love the silence.
I do some of my best (and worst) thinking when it's silent like this. I think about all I have to be grateful for. I count my blessings, look back at accomplishments both big and small, and dream about the future. I also can find myself looking at others and like a previous entry described I can find myself wishing to be what I am not or have something I don't.
Tonight, I guess I am doing a bit of both. With a "big" birthday not far away, I have been looking back at who I was and contemplating who I am now. I have been thinking about dreams and directions and goals for the future.
I am a "people pleaser". One of those types who always wants others approval and wants others to like her. I always have been. But here's what I have learned and how I am growing and changing. I am starting to see myself more as my Creator, my husband & children, and my friends and family see me and less and less of how I used to see myself. I am learning I am not alone in my moments of insecurity and self doubt - that we all have those moments. Each day I grow stronger in the knowledge that all that I am - good bad and everything in between is special and wonderful and loved. Each mistake and weakness, each trial or achievement, each talent or emotion makes up who I am and it's all OK. God has a plan for me, mistakes and insecurities and flaws and all. He knows what the plan is even when I don't and He's not going to let that plan go unfinished.
I look back and I see how far I have come on this journey God's taking me on. I hope and dream about I future I can't see and know He's in control. But most of all I know that as long as I stay on the road He has set before me, I will continue to learn and grow and become the woman He's always meant for me to be.

Popularity

Popularity

by Stacie Rockhill on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 12:38pm
Recently, I have been thinking about popularity. The struggle to be popular and the desire to be popular is a common theme in children's movies and TV shows. Kids want to fit in, be accepted and often measure that acceptance by being in the "popular" group at school. But we out grow it, right? I mean we mature and see that we don't need to be in the "in" crowd, do we? 
Sadly, for me, part of me never out grew this. I was feeling down last night and thinking about my friends. I have some WONDERFUL, LOVING, faithful, trustworthy, giving friends!! Friends who have been my friends for decades and a few who are newer friends. Yet, last night I found myself wishing I was more like "her". Maybe you know the "her" I am talking about... She's the center of attention wherever she goes. People are just drawn to her. She's fun and funny. She seems to be instantly liked by everyone. She's the person other women call for lunch, shopping trips or playdates. She has no problems striking up a conversation with anyone. You know her - she's the popular girl. 
My husband was so sweet. He listened to me whine about how I am NOT that girl. I complained how I am the girl who never knows what to say and probably says all the wrong things becasue I am so nervous. I am the girl who sits and watches because I don't know what else to do. I am the girl who takes 10 years to get to know the woman who's sat acrossed the table from me at MOPS. and last night I didn't want to be me... I wanted to be HER - the popular girl. 
Then, Steve gently reminded me my friends aren't my friends because I am "Her". They are my friends because I am me. It might take me a long time to develop friendships (Steve says it's because I am cautious about letting people in), but the friendships I make are real and deep and last a lifetime. 
SO thank you to the friends who have patiently gotten to know ME. Who are still my friends despite the distance and busy schedules that keep us from seeing each other often enough. Thank you for helping me realize (whether you know it or not) that you don't have to be "that girl" to be loved and accepted and even popular :-) I love you guys!

Impressions

Impressions - a vent or blog???

by Stacie Rockhill on Sunday, February 6, 2011 at 2:31pm
Ever had one of those conversations where people share their first impression(s) of you? I am always amazed at what people tell me, about me. Just the other day someone said, "you and your husband seem to have it all figured out". If only she knew!!
But what am I showing people? Do I put on a self assured, "got-it-all-together" mask when I go out?? I think I must. Why else would people seem so shocked when I tell them I hate speaking in public and I am really a shy person? Why else would people say things like "I want to be a mom like you" or my favorite, "when I first met you, I was intimidated by you."
Here's some of what they don't see...
My heart races and pounds and I usually break into a sweat when I have to talk in front of a group or even sometimes when I talk one on one with an individual.
I constantly haunt myself with a rewind and replay of everything I do - I should have said this or done that.
My OFTEN feel of insecure & inadquect as a wife, mother, friend, woman
I lose my patience and my temper 
Steve and I struggle in our marriage - I think we've seen more downs then ups, and still aren't where we want to be.
I struggle with anger, resentment, loneliness.
I can be unforgiving and hold a grudge.
I can be judgemental.

So, on one hand I don't want people to see all that I am that needs fixing. Maybe it's pride, but I don't want people to know what a screw-up I can be and the shortcomings I have. 
On other hand, I want to be real and genuine. Am I really being real and genuine if people think I have it "all together"?? Where's the line between showing how imperfect I am and showing how my faith has changed me? At church and with my friends who share my faith, we talk about how we want to be an example of what a changed life can be. We want to let our faith and God's love shine through us. Is that what I am doing? Are people seeing God and not me? or are people simply seeing a mask I wear when I go out? Am I sending of a false picture of what my life is and God's role in it? 
I don't have the answers, and maybe I never will. For now, anyone who reads this will know, don't judge this book by it's cover. I hope and pray that when people see me, they see I am a work in progress, ever growing, ever changing. 
Thanks for listening to my vent.......

The beginnings of my blogging

I wrote the following almost a year ago. In fact, my first few posts are going to be things I wrote over the past year and had as notes on FB. I was writing them often enough I decided to give this blogging thing a try. Thanks for reading.


"Good" Friday

by Stacie Rockhill on Friday, April 2, 2010 at 9:24pm
I sit here tonight with a tone on my mind. Maybe one of my friends will read this and offer me some wise words....
"Good" Friday.... In a historic sense, yes, today was a good yet sad day. Nearly 2 thousand years ago, Jesus, Son of God and man, died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sin so we might go to heaven and have eternal life with God.
Today was a "good" day for my family. we got some chores done, had a hike and a picnic, a campfire and ice cream and went to church to remember the gift Christ gave us with his sacrifice. But was it really that good, and if it was why am I typing with a ton on my mind/heart tonight?
Tonight I am thinking about my friends who did not have a "good" friday. The friend who is starting raditation or the friend who got the report "it's malignant". I am thinking of my friends who are facing personal struggles with relationships and the future. I am thinking of the people I care about who aren't having a "good" day.....
So what do you do when someone you care about is struggling and you are hundreds or thousands of mile away? What do you do when the person who is struggling is nearby but too proud to ask for or take your help. What do you do when you watch those in your home struggle with problems big or small?
I am going to do all that I know how. That is offer my help, maybe even give it even if it's not requested and PRAY.
I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I never will. But I do understand that those same bad things can help us to grow stronger and/or draw us nearer to God.
So tonight... my friends (and some of you know who you are, some of you don't). I am praying for you and wishing I could be there to hold you or cook for you or help you in some way. I am hoping you go to bed tonight thinking tonight WAS a "good Friday"