Need to vent and process for a bit. I am not trying to be a downer and I don't want this blog to be a negative thing but I really need to sort this out. And if you have any wise words to share, I'd love to hear them.
I discovered last night I have a MAJOR pet peeve. Something that makes me so mad I want to scream, but can't. My newly discovered pet peeve.... people who don't know me or my children & family and who have never raised a child telling me how I should be raising my kids. In addition, the person involved also criticized my daughters character - taking one of her best (in my opinion) characteristics - her concern for others - and making it a flaw. "She really needs to be more independent", this person grumbled. (Actually, the person wasn't as polite as that). My inner "mama bear" kicked in and I politely defended my daughter and the person backed down some, but inside I am still upset about it. Why is it people who have never raised a child think they are experts at doing so?
Thinking about it later, while I am still angry, I also want to laugh at and cry for the person who made the comments. Why? Because if I have learned anything as a parent over the past 13+ years, it's when you judge and criticize someone else's child, that trait or thing you are judging will come back to you 10X bigger. For example, I once cared for a baby that spat up a lot. I remember saying or thinking "I have never cared for a more spitty baby". Then I had my Allie, who was 10X's worse. Or once someone called my daughter a drama queen. Then she had a son who was an even bigger moodier drama queen. I could probably rattle off dozens of examples like these. So today& in the future, this person who's saying my daughter is too insecure or dependent, needs to watch out when she has a child. It makes me want to laugh and say "pay back's a $^*%*" and it makes me feel sorry and sad for this person.
I also feel guilty. Guilty for not letting out my inner mama bear more and letting this person know how out of line and wrong she was. Guilty for wanting to laugh at her and thinking "just you wait".
So how do I process all these feelings about an event that's in the past and I can't change? This blog entry helps. I sometimes have to process things out on "paper", so thanks for allowing me the opportunity to vent and process. Next, I guess I start with that saying of "let go and let God". I need to let go of these feelings, especially my judgmental feelings of "you'll get yours". I need to hope or trust that I handled the situation in the best way possible at that time and in that place. and last I ask you - my friends, for advice. What would you do?
What do you do? You smile. Feel confident that you know your daughter and the values you teach her. I struggled for years with outsider judging how I raised twin daughters. They either dressed too much alike too different. They were never "independent" or had their "own personality" and anything they did was stereotyped into some twin behavior and I was either feeding it or interfering with it. People were finally satisfied when one cut her hair or they when they went to different colleges or they chose different majors. I never saw it, I only saw their heart. I learned that was all that matter. It was important that I saw their heart just like God sees ours. I always thought I looked deeper than the next person's skin, but when I searched myself I proved to be not much different. I may not have openly criticized a child, but I certainly formed opinions based on their actions. Those opinions were usually verbalized by others and I sat quietly an agreed. I followed the belief that if I did not have anything nice to say, don't say it. I should have adapted the rule to not think it. So I learned through all the comments over 18 years of my raising my girls to look deeper and look at the heart just like I do with my own daughters. I learned to fight that urge to form opinions and that has helped me blow off and chuckle at those who comment about others. I developed confidence in who my daughters are and in the mom I was when I raised them. With that confidence came security. Stacie, I pray you find that confidence because you have three remarkable little girls who are as different as they are similar. You have helped build a caring, compassionate family. You have no one to fear or be discouraged by. Some people just simple do not have the tools to see the heart of another and others just don't use those tools.
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Mari
MK - thank you for how you always know just the right thing to say and exactly what I need to hear. I am blessed to call you friend.
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