My family

My family
2023

Monday, June 17, 2013

Spring - New life, new growth new beginnings

(Note: this post was started in April but I was unable to finish it and post it until June)
My family has been going through a rough season - a harsh winter if you will. We have faced health issues, money issues, growing pains and tragic loses. It's been
hard. At times I have felt sad, angry, frustrated, desperate, alone and even cold. But the great thing about winter is that under all that cold, harsh snow and ice, new life is forming. New growth is taking place. And so it is with my family too.
One of my recent struggles has been with myself. Friends and family have lovingly and kindly told me "I'm worried about you" and "I have been praying for you". I was so surprised by my reaction to this. I smiled and thanked them and told them how much their love and support meant to me and my family, but inside I was mad. At first, I couldn't figure out why I was mad. Then it hit me - I was used to being the "strong one". I was used to doing for others and worrying about others and at least pretending to "have it together". To hear someone say "I'm worried about you" meant 1) I wasn't hiding my pain as much as I wanted to. 2) I needed to admit I needed help and 3) for some reason - pride? stubbornness?? or maybe something else - I felt like I was failing somehow and that made me mad. How crazy is THAT?? Ouch. Another truth to face and another growing pain.
Well, spring has arrived in the region where we live. Flowers are breaking through the soil. Birds are returning and singing. Trees are budding. Sometimes it's warm enough to open window. Other days, the winds are still cold and it's still snowing. There is mud and dirt everywhere. The change of seasons hasn't been easy or pleasant this year and neither have the changes in my heart and in my family. Change is almost always upsetting, messy or painful. Growth hurts sometimes. The truth hurts sometimes.
But here's what I have learned and am still learning. Even though I may feel alone sometimes, I am not. I believe with all my heart that God is always with me, even through pain, fear, worry, and in all my struggles. He allows me to experience my growing pains to allow me to do just that - GROW. From the storms come the rainbows. God can take ALL things, no matter how painful, scary, cold or dark they may seem and make something beautiful out of it. I hang on to that!!! And lastly, I am learning that I am still not who I want to be. I still care too much about what others think of me - maybe more than I care about what I think of myself. I am learning that I need to focus on what God thinks of me - that I am his creation, unique, beautiful and special in a way that he designed and he loves me, even through my growing pains. I need to remind myself  he loves my family too and he's helped us through this rough harsh "winter". He has a plan to make something beautiful out of my family too. I can't wait to see what summer holds!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Saying Goodbye

I think the 2 hardest phrases to say are "'I'm sorry" and "Goodbye". This morning I am having a REALLY hard time with the second one.
Yesterday, my family and our community woke to learn that a wonderful woman, mother, daughter, friend and devoted teacher/librarian had been senselessly killed and her 10 year old precious daughter a friend to many, a gymnast, a bright student and gentle soul attacked. Yesterday, there were lots of tears and shock. Many of us, as parents were (and still are) struggling with how do we help our children deal with this. This morning I am struggling with how do I deal with this? How do I say goodbye to a friend?
One of the things you don't think about when you sign your kids up for scouts, or a team or a club is how much time you will spend there and the friendships you will make along the way. You know your kids will make friends but you don't think of yourself - or at least I never did. I never thought about how I'd been spend 3 to 9 hours a week, sometimes more with the parents of the other team members. I never thought about the special bond we would share as parents or the friendships that would grow.
And today, one of those friends is gone and her "baby" girl is hurting (While I know her daughter isn't a baby - she's a strong beautiful brave smart loving young lady, to a mom - they are always our "babies".) I am one who like to try to find silver linings in dark storms and see that all things happen for a reason. I can't do it today. I can't.
Music helps me sometimes when I can't find the words. Today I woke up and immediately 3 songs were going through my head. "How can I help you to say goodbye" by Patti Loveless, "I need you now" by Plum, and "Blessings" by Laura Story. The first two give me comfort, help me to cry and give voice to what I am feeling inside. The third is usually a favorite of mine, but today it made me angry. How can there be a blessing in these tear drops? I am not seeing it.
I don't understand, and to be completely honest, I know I never will. But with every tear, every breath I am praying. Praying for a strong little girl who has been through more in her 10 short years than most of us will have to go through in a lifetime. Praying for my daughter who is hurting for her friend. Praying for the hundreds of students who lost teacher and who are worried about a friend. Praying for families who have lost a loved one. Praying for the family of a man who was sick and hurting and had let evil into his heart and mind - how do they come to terms with that?? Praying for finding peace and light and strength in a dark, sad and scary time. That's where my faith come in. My faith gives me hope. Hope that there is good to fight evil; that there can be light in the darkness; that there is a heaven. I guess for me, that's the only way I can say goodbye. I need to hang on to my faith - let it be the life jacket that keeps me from drowning in the dark waves of sadness, anger, worry and fear.
My family and I, our community and the family of my friend would all appreciate your prayers. Thank you.


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Me - the real me

If you are reading this you may know that this blog is sort of my on-line diary. A place where I try and sort out my thoughts and feelings in writing. I share them in hopes that maybe others who are struggling with the same thoughts and feelings can find hope or maybe inspiration. I share them so my friends who might read this can offer words of advice and wisdom or even correct me if I am wrong. I share them so I can look back a month or a year or several years from now and see how God has worked in my life and in the lives of my family. Here I can be real.
This year has been a tough year for my family. All families go through them. We struggle. We fight. We worry. We cry. We pray. We hug. We love. We keep on going. Recently, I have been calling them growing pains, because we have been growing but it hurts.
I know part of why it hurts is my expectations. Maybe others do this too? I expected marriage to be "happily ever after" at least most of the time. But why? One speaker, I forget his name or else I'd look up the exact quote, said something to the effect of "a family is 2 imperfect, sinful people raising other small, imperfect, sinful people". So where does this expectation that things will be perfect come from? For me, I am guilty of comparing myself to others. "That couple has the perfect marriage" "They have the perfect relationship with their kids" "Why can't my life be more like theirs?" or similar thoughts.
I have recently felt like people are looking to me to be perfect - the perfect wife, mom or Christian woman. Some have told me they are looking to me as an example. Others have been pointing out my mistakes, failures and imperfections. I can't really blame anyone for doing it though because I have been doing it myself. I have been expecting myself to be the perfect wife, mom or Christian woman, so I can't blame others for doing it too.
So today, as I sit in front of the computer screen, reading what's new in the world and in my friends lives, I found myself also praying for answers and help. Help to take these growing pains and learn from them and grow. And God answered. Over and over again words of hope, of forgiveness, of inspiration and of letting go came across my screen. Quotes and Scriptures and other words that remind me of the truth. I am not perfect. I never will be. I will make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes will hurt - myself or people I care about. Others around me aren't perfect either. They will make mistakes and those mistakes might hurt them or me. That's the truth.
But it's not the only truth. It is also true that God sees and knows our hearts. He knows our mistakes and our hurts. He loves us and is there for us to help us learn from the mistakes, to grow from them, to heal and love. We are weak but He is strong. I am not perfect. My husband is not perfect. My family and friends are not perfect. Yet God loves us all anyway. He is there always - even when we do something that disappoints him. He forgives us. He teaches us. He uses our weakness to show HIS strength!!
I am grateful for how God loves me. It is my prayer that when people look at me they don't see or expect to see a perfect wife, perfect mom or perfect Christian woman. I pray they see an imperfect woman who depends on God to give her strength. A woman who loves God and God uses in spite of her imperfections. and I know it's starts with me. I need to be the first one to see myself that way. Then maybe others will see it too.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Friends

Recently, my husband and I were sitting with a group of people talking about the value of friends and how important having strong friendships was. Since then, I have been thinking. What defines a friend or a friendship? Were any of those people discussing the value of friendship my friends? Do I have the kind of friendship(s) we were talking about.
Like most people (I hope), I am married to my best friend. I also have 2 sisters who are more than sisters - they are friends. But outside of family, what defines a friend or a friendship and makes a friend different from an aquaintance? Is it what you do or don't do together? Is it what you share or have shared in the past? Is it common interests? Is it fulfilling a common need? Is it how often you see each other or talk? Does today's instant long distance communication (emails, cell phones social networks) change what friendship is?
Making friends has never been easy for me. I often walk away from meeting someone or even spending a day/evening with someone thinking to myself "I screwed that up. They don't like me". I am not sure why and it drives my husband (and family) crazy, but it's true. As a result, I can walk into a room full of people I have known for weeks, months or even years, and not know who is my friend.
But I do have friends. Some people I call friends are friends from my childhood. These friendships started back when friendship was defined by "She's my friend because she liked the picture I colored" or "because she talked to me at the picnic". They started out simple, innocent and trusting and they grew as we grew. Now decades later I can still chat with these friends on FB or in person as if not a day has gone by. but we don't see each other more than once or twice a decade sometimes. What about people who share a common interest or role? These are the other moms or dads who we chat with at school functions, kids activities, serving in the same program at church and so on. These relationships are not be as "deep" as others so are these friends or acquaintances? Then there are the relationships in between. Some are friends who you see regularly, we talk, share and have things in common who would probably be there if you needed them but we don't socialize. There are also "friends" who I socialize with but I know when the chips are down - they won't be around.
But which of these types of friendships and relationships is the type of friendship we were discussing that evening a while back? We were discussing friendships where you share common beliefs and values, common experiences, common interests, bring out the best in one another, help one another to grow. You are there for one another AND have fun together. The kind of friendships that take time and investment to grow and flourish. I think if I am honest I often find myself looking for these deep friendships instantly - without putting in the time to build them. However, now at 40 something, I also see the importance of have all kinds of friends - friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime.  I am blessed to have my friends. Friends who it's taken me decades to get to know and to let them get to know me and a few new friends who I am just starting to know. Thank you to all my friends <3

Friday, January 4, 2013

2013 - What's New
I usually wake up each morning grateful for a new day and a new beginning but recently I am even more thankful for every day I have. I try not to take the opportunity each new day is for granted. As I sit here recent events are fresh in my mind, but when I look back at this entry 10 years or perhaps even 10 days from now time will have blurred my memory. Shootings at a elementary school and at a neighborhood house fire are among the events that remind me not to take a moment for granted. But other events as well that don't make the news also remind me that each day is a gift not to be taken lightly. Little things like friends looking at colleges with their children or planning to send a child on a missions trip. Big things like a friend's waiting to hear from the Dr whether the lump is cancer or not. Everyday something reminds me how each moment is a gift.
This year I am trying to stay focused on the gifts and blessings of each day. I am going to try and make the most of the opportunities I have to take care of myself, my family and my community. I am going to focus on "the silver lining" of every storm cloud.
I started 2013 by signing up to be an "Iron Girl". This summer I will bike, run and swim in an Iron Girl Triathilon with perphaps 20 (plus or minus) other women I am blessed enough to call friend. I am grateful that I can even consider doing this after knee and back injuries. I am grateful that my family is not only encouraging me to do this but they are also going to be training along side of me. All of us getting healthier as a way of not taking anything for granted!
Our pastor at church recently preached on finishing the race strong. None of us knows when we will reach our finish line. We just need to be grateful we are still in the race and run each day like the finish is just around the corner. Sometimes it's painful. Our bodies ache and we are tired and we feel like we can't breathe. But we push forward. I truly believe that God is with us always. He's there handing us the water we need to go on and cheering us forward through the pain if we just accept him and his help.
So this day, this year and I pray for the remainder of my days I will finish strong and not take a minute of the "race" for granted.