Impressions

Impressions - a vent or blog???

by Stacie Rockhill on Sunday, February 6, 2011 at 2:31pm

Ever had one of those conversations where people share their first impression(s) of you? I am always amazed at what people tell me, about me. Just the other day someone said, "you and your husband seem to have it all figured out". If only she knew!!

But what am I showing people? Do I put on a self assured, "got-it-all-together" mask when I go out?? I think I must. Why else would people seem so shocked when I tell them I hate speaking in public and I am really a shy person? Why else would people say things like "I want to be a mom like you" or my favorite, "when I first met you, I was intimidated by you."

Here's some of what they don't see...

My heart races and pounds and I usually break into a sweat when I have to talk in front of a group or even sometimes when I talk one on one with an individual.

I constantly haunt myself with a rewind and replay of everything I do - I should have said this or done that.

My OFTEN feel of insecure & inadquect as a wife, mother, friend, woman

I lose my patience and my temper 

Steve and I struggle in our marriage - I think we've seen more downs then ups, and still aren't where we want to be.

I struggle with anger, resentment, loneliness.

I can be unforgiving and hold a grudge.

I can be judgemental.

So, on one hand I don't want people to see all that I am that needs fixing. Maybe it's pride, but I don't want people to know what a screw-up I can be and the shortcomings I have. 

On other hand, I want to be real and genuine. Am I really being real and genuine if people think I have it "all together"?? Where's the line between showing how imperfect I am and showing how my faith has changed me? At church and with my friends who share my faith, we talk about how we want to be an example of what a changed life can be. We want to let our faith and God's love shine through us. Is that what I am doing? Are people seeing God and not me? or are people simply seeing a mask I wear when I go out? Am I sending of a false picture of what my life is and God's role in it? 

I don't have the answers, and maybe I never will. For now, anyone who reads this will know, don't judge this book by it's cover. I hope and pray that when people see me, they see I am a work in progress, ever growing, ever changing. 

Thanks for listening to my vent.......