My family

My family
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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Growing Pains

Growing pains are good, right? They represent change and growth and maturity (or at least maturing), don't they? So why do they hurt?
I am nearly 40 and today I am experiencing some growing pains.
My first born baby turns 13 this week. So far we have gone through a few rights of passage that come with becoming a teen. She started a FB account. She's been chatting with girl friends on the phone in her bedroom for long lengths of time. They have started coordinating outfits to wear to school. And this A.M. I helped her put on some modest make-up to wear to school.
When did this happen? When did she turn into a young women and stop being such a little girl?How much room do I give her to spread her wings?
And the mommy guilt - yikes! Have we done enough to prepare her for what she's now facing in school and the "real world" as a young teen today? And her sisters aren't far behind. I feel like I missed more with them - more teachable moments and opportunities. Am I too late for them? Compared to their peers, Steve and I have really sheltered our girls. We are pretty strict about what they watch, read and do and who they hang out with. Is that going to backfire on us?
Growing pains... I think ours as parents might be worst than those of our children. We get to a point where all we can do is watch helplessly as our child faces bullies, peer pressure, worldly pressures and major life choices. It's out of our control.
But wait, was it ever in our control? I don't believe so. Sure Steve and I play an important role. So do extended family members, friends and teachers at school and at church. But truly, God is in control. He is who I have to lean when I am going through these growing pains. I can talk to Him and ask Him for His help, guidance and protection, for me and for my girls. He has a plan for each of us. He knows how many days we each have here and He had hopes and dreams for my girls long before I did.
I have a new favorite song by Laura Story called "Blessings". The refrain of the song reminds me how God uses our trials and growing pains to help us learn and grow. I am trusting these growing pains and whatever challenges come our way as our girls maneuver through their teens will be used to help them become the women God has planned for them to be.
Blessings
We pray for blessings We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights  Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home, It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Sunday, April 3, 2011

In the silence

The kids are tucked in and the house is quiet. I love this time of night. I used to hate the sound of silence. At times, I guess I still do. But at the end of the day, when I know my family is safe and healthy and tucked comfortably into warm beds, I love the silence.
I do some of my best (and worst) thinking when it's silent like this. I think about all I have to be grateful for. I count my blessings, look back at accomplishments both big and small, and dream about the future. I also can find myself looking at others and like a previous entry described I can find myself wishing to be what I am not or have something I don't.
Tonight, I guess I am doing a bit of both. With a "big" birthday not far away, I have been looking back at who I was and contemplating who I am now. I have been thinking about dreams and directions and goals for the future.
I am a "people pleaser". One of those types who always wants others approval and wants others to like her. I always have been. But here's what I have learned and how I am growing and changing. I am starting to see myself more as my Creator, my husband & children, and my friends and family see me and less and less of how I used to see myself. I am learning I am not alone in my moments of insecurity and self doubt - that we all have those moments. Each day I grow stronger in the knowledge that all that I am - good bad and everything in between is special and wonderful and loved. Each mistake and weakness, each trial or achievement, each talent or emotion makes up who I am and it's all OK. God has a plan for me, mistakes and insecurities and flaws and all. He knows what the plan is even when I don't and He's not going to let that plan go unfinished.
I look back and I see how far I have come on this journey God's taking me on. I hope and dream about I future I can't see and know He's in control. But most of all I know that as long as I stay on the road He has set before me, I will continue to learn and grow and become the woman He's always meant for me to be.

Popularity

Popularity

by Stacie Rockhill on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 12:38pm
Recently, I have been thinking about popularity. The struggle to be popular and the desire to be popular is a common theme in children's movies and TV shows. Kids want to fit in, be accepted and often measure that acceptance by being in the "popular" group at school. But we out grow it, right? I mean we mature and see that we don't need to be in the "in" crowd, do we? 
Sadly, for me, part of me never out grew this. I was feeling down last night and thinking about my friends. I have some WONDERFUL, LOVING, faithful, trustworthy, giving friends!! Friends who have been my friends for decades and a few who are newer friends. Yet, last night I found myself wishing I was more like "her". Maybe you know the "her" I am talking about... She's the center of attention wherever she goes. People are just drawn to her. She's fun and funny. She seems to be instantly liked by everyone. She's the person other women call for lunch, shopping trips or playdates. She has no problems striking up a conversation with anyone. You know her - she's the popular girl. 
My husband was so sweet. He listened to me whine about how I am NOT that girl. I complained how I am the girl who never knows what to say and probably says all the wrong things becasue I am so nervous. I am the girl who sits and watches because I don't know what else to do. I am the girl who takes 10 years to get to know the woman who's sat acrossed the table from me at MOPS. and last night I didn't want to be me... I wanted to be HER - the popular girl. 
Then, Steve gently reminded me my friends aren't my friends because I am "Her". They are my friends because I am me. It might take me a long time to develop friendships (Steve says it's because I am cautious about letting people in), but the friendships I make are real and deep and last a lifetime. 
SO thank you to the friends who have patiently gotten to know ME. Who are still my friends despite the distance and busy schedules that keep us from seeing each other often enough. Thank you for helping me realize (whether you know it or not) that you don't have to be "that girl" to be loved and accepted and even popular :-) I love you guys!

Impressions

Impressions - a vent or blog???

by Stacie Rockhill on Sunday, February 6, 2011 at 2:31pm
Ever had one of those conversations where people share their first impression(s) of you? I am always amazed at what people tell me, about me. Just the other day someone said, "you and your husband seem to have it all figured out". If only she knew!!
But what am I showing people? Do I put on a self assured, "got-it-all-together" mask when I go out?? I think I must. Why else would people seem so shocked when I tell them I hate speaking in public and I am really a shy person? Why else would people say things like "I want to be a mom like you" or my favorite, "when I first met you, I was intimidated by you."
Here's some of what they don't see...
My heart races and pounds and I usually break into a sweat when I have to talk in front of a group or even sometimes when I talk one on one with an individual.
I constantly haunt myself with a rewind and replay of everything I do - I should have said this or done that.
My OFTEN feel of insecure & inadquect as a wife, mother, friend, woman
I lose my patience and my temper 
Steve and I struggle in our marriage - I think we've seen more downs then ups, and still aren't where we want to be.
I struggle with anger, resentment, loneliness.
I can be unforgiving and hold a grudge.
I can be judgemental.

So, on one hand I don't want people to see all that I am that needs fixing. Maybe it's pride, but I don't want people to know what a screw-up I can be and the shortcomings I have. 
On other hand, I want to be real and genuine. Am I really being real and genuine if people think I have it "all together"?? Where's the line between showing how imperfect I am and showing how my faith has changed me? At church and with my friends who share my faith, we talk about how we want to be an example of what a changed life can be. We want to let our faith and God's love shine through us. Is that what I am doing? Are people seeing God and not me? or are people simply seeing a mask I wear when I go out? Am I sending of a false picture of what my life is and God's role in it? 
I don't have the answers, and maybe I never will. For now, anyone who reads this will know, don't judge this book by it's cover. I hope and pray that when people see me, they see I am a work in progress, ever growing, ever changing. 
Thanks for listening to my vent.......

The beginnings of my blogging

I wrote the following almost a year ago. In fact, my first few posts are going to be things I wrote over the past year and had as notes on FB. I was writing them often enough I decided to give this blogging thing a try. Thanks for reading.


"Good" Friday

by Stacie Rockhill on Friday, April 2, 2010 at 9:24pm
I sit here tonight with a tone on my mind. Maybe one of my friends will read this and offer me some wise words....
"Good" Friday.... In a historic sense, yes, today was a good yet sad day. Nearly 2 thousand years ago, Jesus, Son of God and man, died on the cross to pay the penalty for our sin so we might go to heaven and have eternal life with God.
Today was a "good" day for my family. we got some chores done, had a hike and a picnic, a campfire and ice cream and went to church to remember the gift Christ gave us with his sacrifice. But was it really that good, and if it was why am I typing with a ton on my mind/heart tonight?
Tonight I am thinking about my friends who did not have a "good" friday. The friend who is starting raditation or the friend who got the report "it's malignant". I am thinking of my friends who are facing personal struggles with relationships and the future. I am thinking of the people I care about who aren't having a "good" day.....
So what do you do when someone you care about is struggling and you are hundreds or thousands of mile away? What do you do when the person who is struggling is nearby but too proud to ask for or take your help. What do you do when you watch those in your home struggle with problems big or small?
I am going to do all that I know how. That is offer my help, maybe even give it even if it's not requested and PRAY.
I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. I never will. But I do understand that those same bad things can help us to grow stronger and/or draw us nearer to God.
So tonight... my friends (and some of you know who you are, some of you don't). I am praying for you and wishing I could be there to hold you or cook for you or help you in some way. I am hoping you go to bed tonight thinking tonight WAS a "good Friday"