Goodbye 2022

I think my favorite time of day is the early morning when the sun has just risen. I often sit with a cup of coffee soaking in the quiet sounds of rain, wind, birds and so on. I don't know when I started to enjoy this quiet time but somewhere in my journey it has become precious to me. 

This morning marks a new year beginning so naturally my thoughts have been reflective, thinking about the year that has past. Honestly, I can't recall being more relieved to see a year end and I am not sure why. The last 5+ years have all had their share of challenges, heartbreaks and disappointments but 2022 just feels like it was harder than the others. Our family (once again defined as loved ones not genetics) has been battling Alzheimer's, Cancer, Covid and a list of other physical health struggles. Loved ones and I are dealing with mental health struggles including anxiety and depression. There have been financial struggles and job changes in addition to life changes of having "an empty nest". There have been sad goodbyes as loved ones have passed away. 

The past year hasn't been all bad. We celebrated holidays and graduations. We traveled to far corners of the country (Florida and California). We laughed. We leaned on one another. 

I don't have an expectations for 2023. I don't have a "word" to focus on or a goal or resolution. I am just ready for change. I am ready for that silver lining, rainbow after the storm or light at the end of the tunnel. I have a prayer for strength, growth and peace that helped me through 2022 and that will carry me into 2023. I pray for these things for my friends and family that might read this too. 

Goodbye 2022 and Welcome 2023. I look forward to seeing what you bring.

Dancing in the Rain

image credit unknown (found on Pinterest)

It's been a beautiful autumn. Record warm temps, sunny days and gorgeous reds, yellows and oranges everywhere I turn. I have been finding comfort in the the sun and warmth and colors because even during a great season, there are days that are stormy, cold and grey. During those days and storms, I just want to stay snuggled under a warm blanket and hide from the world. 

My life has been like that too. Some days are beautiful full of love, laughter, feelings of joy and satisfaction. Other days, life's "storms" have me feeling sad, overwhelmed or like a failure. My family (defined as people I love not just blood) is facing all sorts of storms. These physical, emotional and financial storms make me feel helpless and at times I have struggled to find hope. But storms (real and figurative) don't last and in the midst of the storms we find one another, support one another and hopefully take turns giving one another hope. Then one day, something happens and the sun returns. 

I started this entry months ago. Since then the seasons have changed but the message of this entry is still the same. When you find yourself in the midst of a storm, find others that can help you through AND remember that the storm won't last. 

Empty Nest

There is a quote, author is unclear (several have been given credit), that says "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings." Similar quote is "Good parents give their children roots and wings: roots to know where home is, and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught them."

These quotes I have often referred to over the years, when parenting has been hard, when the relationships between parent and child have been tested. I also have always viewed "our" children as gifts on loan to us, not actually "ours" but belonging to something bigger, a heavenly creator who took an egg and a sperm and created these unique and wonderful people. 

Each step our children take towards independence is a source of pride. First words, first steps, feeding themselves and potty training, each achievement, a source of pride. Then the "no's" and "why's", and tempter tantrums, years of testing boundaries and even rebellion, all part of them becoming independent adults. We rejoice when they succeed. We ache when they are sick or hurting. The journey of parenting is filled with joys, heartaches, worries and more. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that the journey to "empty nest" is just as emotional? I always knew my role as their primary provider, protector, teacher and counselor would end (or at least evolve into something else). Still nothing has prepared me for the emotions that I have been experiencing and my children begin "leaving the nest". 

Some days I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. With the help of our family, friends and community, Steve and I managed to raise 3 individuals who are pursuing their dreams, building on their gifts and talents and who are people I am proud to know. Some days, I feel a sense of loss and sadness. These same individuals who once needed me for practically everything, now take care of themselves. Our home which was once so busy and noisy is now often deafeningly silent. 

The days that are hardest though are the days when I am excited about "the next chapter". Steve and I have spent 24 years as parents. During that time, it's sometimes been hard to focus on our relationship. Being "mom and dad" often outweighed being "husband and wife". We have had to work HARD on our relationship and marriage. Now with fewer demands as "mom and dad" I am excited to see what is next for us as "husband and wife". The excitement and happy anticipation then makes me feel guilty that I am not feeling sadder. 

For us, all of this is happening with a global pandemic taking place. Fear and uncertainty, isolation, and worry magnifies every emotion. Each day brings new changes and challenges for us and everyone we love, our community and our world. If I am honest, there have been days it feels overwhelming. Still, this is the world we live in. The world I am sending them off to "fly" in and we have to cope with it the best we can.

My "nest" isn't empty yet.

It probably won't be for a long time, not really, as the girls will come home from college or while they are between jobs (or if we go into another "stay at home" phase where things shut down due to this pandemic virus). The empty nest is a destination and the journey is an emotional one. Whether the emotion of the day is a joyful one or a difficult one, I am trying to embrace each emotion, each day, each experience and learn from it. I remind myself that each emotion is OK and normal and try to let myself feel it fully. 

Whether you are reading this dreaming of starting a family, raising one or watching your children on their own journeys, I am sending you a virtual hug and saying a prayer. I pray for you the same things I often pray for myself. I pray for wisdom, strength, courage and patience to face whatever the day brings. I also pray that you have loved ones and support system to help you through every emotion your day brings. I am grateful for mine (and I hope they know that).

Rediscovering Myself

Ever find yourself with a million thoughts swirling around in your head? Worry? Plans and dreams? Disappointments? To do lists? Emotions you can't control?

That's where I am at as I sit down to attempt to write. Trying to slow down the whirling swirling thoughts that are running through my head. The irony is I work with youth everyday trying to coach them on how to manage their worry, fear, feelings, and thoughts. Yet today I struggle with mine.

So what would I tell one of my youth? I might encourage taking care of their bodies - water, and exercise. Some I encourage to write down their thoughts - journal or make lists. Others I coach and encourage to be creative - let out their feelings and thoughts through art and music. Mindfulness and mediation helps others - focusing on breathing and ones 5 senses. Focus on thankfulness or positivity and seek 1 thing to be grateful for is another thing we sometimes work on. Others sometimes I can talk to about prayer or having faith in something bigger than themselves. 

As I go through this list of what I would tell my children (my own and those who I volunteer or work with) I came to realize I have been neglecting ALL - literally ALL - of these things myself. Somewhere along the line I have let the negativity of 2020, the desire to care for those all around me and the need to somehow make a difference in a world that is spinning out of my control cause me to forget about myself. 

Then I had a wakeup call. I came home from working 2 jobs (both of which I love, working with youth and families, making a difference) and realized I had nothing left. I was on empty. I poured myself out until I had nothing for anyone. I sat down on the couch and collapsed - an empty vessel. 

But I had no idea what to do about it or how to fix it. My husband and I both recognized it and we talked about it. I apologized to my daughter for it, for having nothing to give.  None of us had an answer.

The answer came from a few strange and unexpected places. Maybe you would say coincidence? I say God works in mysterious ways. 

Quarantine - one of the same things that caused our isolation, anxiety and worry was also one of my saving graces. When my husband and a person I worked with both got calls that they had been in contact with a positive Covid case, I found myself really on "lock down". No working, no errands, no anything. At first, it added to my stress and worry (a story for another entry). But then something else happened. Something I never would have expected.

I started playing a game over the summer. It's a global game with knights and castles and dragons. I met some people playing the game dealing with the same struggles in real life. They are from around the world, also missing loved ones, dealing with all that has been 2020. A few of them helped me and I don't even think they realize it. These strangers who I have never met somehow inspired me to rediscover myself. 

So here I sit. Doing the things I have been neglecting. First, I had a good cry, an ugly, let everything out kind of cry. Then I took a day to take care of myself. I think it was the first time in maybe a year I curled my hair or put on makeup. I am writing again (thank you ladies. you know who you are and I know you will read this!). I am praying again. I am planning to paint and sew and decorate. I am drinking more water and going for a walk to breath in the cool crisp November air. 

It's taken me a while and some unexpected circumstances to remember that I can't care for those I love if I don't love myself. I can't make a difference in the lives of others if I don't have control of MY life. I can't BE me if neglect to take care of me. 

So I write today for myself, because it helps me with my thoughts and feelings but also in the hope that maybe it will help and encourage you too. We are all struggling right now. Maybe you are feeling lost, alone and overwhelmed or maybe you are feeling you are on empty, barely keeping your head above water. Maybe it's not you but someone you love struggling with these things. I encourage you, please t

ake the time to love and care for yourself. Thank you to those who helped me find my light and rainbow during this stormy chapter of life. 

When Pain Lingers Part II - Choosing Joy and Hope

In my last entry I talked about some of the effects lingering pain can have on us.Today I want to say a little about how to cope with pain and the choices we have when facing pain.
Have you ever thought about the power God designed our minds to have? Electrical signals constantly going from every part of our body to the brain and back again. Power to feel, power to move, power to regulate our body temperature, pump our blood - to live, all controlled through the nervous system. I think I always took the power of our nervous system for granted until there was something wrong. Maybe it's the signals are malfunctioning because of a chemical imbalance as in the case of depression or anxiety disorders. Maybe the signals are telling your body that something is wrong when there isn't as in the case of CRPS. Maybe it's something different, but when our nervous system doesn't respond "normally" we being to notice the power of the brain and nerves.
Recently, family health issues have required me to learn a lot about how our bodies work. How God designed our bodies is SO incredible. There is an old saying "mind over matter". I never knew how true that could be. I am NOT saying we can "think away" real biological problems. I am saying I am in awe of how God gave us tools to cope with our hurts & pain. How we face our problems and pain in life can and often does have a DIRECT impact on the outcome of the situation. Believing things can improve, having hope, choosing JOY and positivity can help one cope with pain, sadness, despair.
I watched children (including my daughter) and families facing pain I hopefully will never have to endure. They coped with it sometimes with medicines but the meds are just a temporary solution. The true healing came from hard work - physical, mental and emotional. Changing their thinking, redirecting it from the pain, believing they can return to a normal life, choosing hope and joy was critical in their success (or not succeeding). There was no "cure" but through retraining their minds and bodies, they were able to return to normal life activities and cope with the pain their bodies were in.
As I reflect on this, I am reminded of Scriptures. God tells us to be thankful in ALL circumstances, to cast our worries on Him. God wants us to be filled with joy, hope and light. I can only assume that is because as our creator, God knows the power hope and joy have. Hope and joy, a grateful heart, a heart that trusts, instead of fears is not an easy task. It doesn't come naturally - at least to me. It is a choice I have to make daily, sometimes even hourly. Some days I succeed some days I don't. But each day, I will try to choose gratitude, hope and joy.

When Pain Lingers On

In the past, I have mentioned how this blog doubles as a digital diary helping me to look back at how my faith has helped me and my family through some of life's challenges. I have tried to respect my family's privacy and been vague about what some of those challenges have been but today I would like to address a specific challenge our family has been facing and what I am learning through the experience in the hopes that maybe someone who reads this might be helped or encouraged as well (even if that person is just me in the future who needs a reminder of this time of my life)
Pain - we all face it from time to time. Pain is a part of life. I believe God gave our bodies the ability (some would say our bodies evolved) to feel pain to protect us. Pain is how our brain knows there is something wrong from mild pain like the stove is hot or we are getting a sunburn or we have a scrape or cut that needs cleaning to severe pain that might tell us something is wrong internally like an infection, a broken bone or other internal injury. Pain can tell us to rest and heal or to see a Dr or to prevent further injury.
As a mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend, I hate seeing those I love in pain. I hurt when those I love are hurting. Over the past few years, my family and I have faced pain of all sorts - injuries, illness, surgeries, heartbreak and so on and it has all has been challenging. There is one specific situation I want to address here. What happens when the pain doesn't go away? And in my next entry I want to write about  How do you find joy while you are hurting or someone you love is hurting ?
Millions of people deal with constant pain. Causes of the pain might vary from arthritis or fibromyalgia, pinched nerves, autoimmune disorders, cancer, an old injury and this list can go on and on. Pain that doesn't go away or that lasts a LONG time changes you. It not only changes what you can do physically but what you are capable of mentally and emotionally and spiritually as well. Pain changes the person effected and all those in their lives. Relationships change. Friends disappear. Feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression, anxiety, frustration, anger and so on can set in (for everyone involved). Until you experience this yourself or with someone you love, you can't fully understand the toll it takes - at least I didn't.
My daughter's chronic pain was caused by CRPS or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which in layman's terms means her nervous system is malfunctioning sending pain signals when it shouldn't.
As I type my daughter is in treatments for chronic pain at one of the best children's hospitals in the country. We have been here for 3 weeks. We have about 2 more weeks to go. The professionals (doctors, nurses, psychologists, physical and occupational therapists) treating my daughter and other children like her tell us that her pain will probably get better - with time. How much time, they can't say and she might have to deal with her pain for years (or longer) OR it could get better in weeks or months. In the mean time they are helping her cope with the pain and regain normal function and activity.
The hospital is teaching me too. We are learning about the power of our thoughts, of discipline, exercise, coping and relaxation "tools" and types of motivations. We are learning how by changing our thoughts and actions we can actual cause changes to our biology (our heart rate can slow or calm, our nervous system responses can change, and so on). We are learning the importance of dealing with our feelings instead of burying them or just "pushing through" them. Scripture has taught these things as well, but somehow I lost sight of it. For example "As someone thinks within himself, so he is.-Proverbs 23:7" We are not victims of biology or circumstances. Science is proving what Scripture already says. Dr. Caroline Leaf in her book Switch on Your Brain states“When you think, you build thoughts, and these become physical substances in your brain.” (For other verses and info on the power of our brain and thoughts https://medium.com/baysidechurch/7-verses-about-the-power-of-your-thoughts-8a50b8e1910f  or https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-our-thoughts/  and there are probably more) 
I am being reminded by this experience, by the medical professionals treating my daughter, through spending time reading devotions, praying and meditating (nothing fancy - just getting lost in my thoughts) just how powerful our thoughts and behaviors are. I see more than ever why God (in Scriptures) mentions frequently to be careful what we think and do. Life is always going to involve challenges, stresses, and even pain. What God and science are teaching me is that how we face the obstacles life throws at us through our thoughts, attitudes and actions WILL make a difference in the outcome of those challenges. Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Spring is Muddy

Spring and I have a love hate relationship. I LOVE that there is more sunlight, that temperatures start to rise and that there are signs of new life everywhere. I love the hope spring brings. However, I also hate spring. I often tell people it is my least favorite season. It is SO muddy and dirty. The snow melts and EVERYTHING where I live is covered in the salt and sand and dirt from the roads. A winter's worth of blown or plowed trash, dead leaves and animal droppings are everywhere. Everything is grey and brown. Oh, and bugs and critters come back. I live near a park where spring means ants, beetles, mosquitoes, stinkbugs and more. It means mice and skunks and squirrels who are hungry getting into trash cans and gardens and so on. It means my cat brings me "gifts" of these critters and my dog is always in need of a bath (even right after a bath). So spring and I don't always get along.

I do have a favorite spring image though. This photo of pansies I think growing under the snow, poking out through the dirt and dead leaves is a favorite photo of mine. It's not beautiful or artistic but it speaks to me. Pansies are an annual flower. They are supposed to last only one season. Still, here are 2 or 3 small pansies who not only survived the cold winter but are growing and soon will be blossoming. This picture reminds me that through the cold dark seasons of life God is growing us, strengthening us. It reminds me that change isn't pretty. Change, even good change, is muddy and messy and sometimes even ugly but in the end we blossom.

Things are changing at our house. It seems our season of waiting might be coming to an end. We are starting to "see the light at the end of the tunnel" as the saying goes. The season coming is going to be hard and messy and complicated and hopefully beautiful! We are starting to get answers for our girls health struggles. There are answers for treatments and healing. I know that nothing about the next few months will be easy, but I have hope. I have faith that God is working out all the details and creating something beautiful under all this mess. And I have peace, a peace I can't explain. Our world is about to get even crazier and I have a peace about it. Seems odd to me. But then I remember these 2 pictures and I remember (OK full disclosure - I remember the Bible says something about peace beyond understanding and I google it and find it) Philippians 4:7 says "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." I have peace about the muddiness that is to come and faith that spring will bring something wonderful!