Rediscovering Myself

Ever find yourself with a million thoughts swirling around in your head? Worry? Plans and dreams? Disappointments? To do lists? Emotions you can't control?

That's where I am at as I sit down to attempt to write. Trying to slow down the whirling swirling thoughts that are running through my head. The irony is I work with youth everyday trying to coach them on how to manage their worry, fear, feelings, and thoughts. Yet today I struggle with mine.

So what would I tell one of my youth? I might encourage taking care of their bodies - water, and exercise. Some I encourage to write down their thoughts - journal or make lists. Others I coach and encourage to be creative - let out their feelings and thoughts through art and music. Mindfulness and mediation helps others - focusing on breathing and ones 5 senses. Focus on thankfulness or positivity and seek 1 thing to be grateful for is another thing we sometimes work on. Others sometimes I can talk to about prayer or having faith in something bigger than themselves. 

As I go through this list of what I would tell my children (my own and those who I volunteer or work with) I came to realize I have been neglecting ALL - literally ALL - of these things myself. Somewhere along the line I have let the negativity of 2020, the desire to care for those all around me and the need to somehow make a difference in a world that is spinning out of my control cause me to forget about myself. 

Then I had a wakeup call. I came home from working 2 jobs (both of which I love, working with youth and families, making a difference) and realized I had nothing left. I was on empty. I poured myself out until I had nothing for anyone. I sat down on the couch and collapsed - an empty vessel. 

But I had no idea what to do about it or how to fix it. My husband and I both recognized it and we talked about it. I apologized to my daughter for it, for having nothing to give.  None of us had an answer.

The answer came from a few strange and unexpected places. Maybe you would say coincidence? I say God works in mysterious ways. 

Quarantine - one of the same things that caused our isolation, anxiety and worry was also one of my saving graces. When my husband and a person I worked with both got calls that they had been in contact with a positive Covid case, I found myself really on "lock down". No working, no errands, no anything. At first, it added to my stress and worry (a story for another entry). But then something else happened. Something I never would have expected.

I started playing a game over the summer. It's a global game with knights and castles and dragons. I met some people playing the game dealing with the same struggles in real life. They are from around the world, also missing loved ones, dealing with all that has been 2020. A few of them helped me and I don't even think they realize it. These strangers who I have never met somehow inspired me to rediscover myself. 

So here I sit. Doing the things I have been neglecting. First, I had a good cry, an ugly, let everything out kind of cry. Then I took a day to take care of myself. I think it was the first time in maybe a year I curled my hair or put on makeup. I am writing again (thank you ladies. you know who you are and I know you will read this!). I am praying again. I am planning to paint and sew and decorate. I am drinking more water and going for a walk to breath in the cool crisp November air. 

It's taken me a while and some unexpected circumstances to remember that I can't care for those I love if I don't love myself. I can't make a difference in the lives of others if I don't have control of MY life. I can't BE me if neglect to take care of me. 

So I write today for myself, because it helps me with my thoughts and feelings but also in the hope that maybe it will help and encourage you too. We are all struggling right now. Maybe you are feeling lost, alone and overwhelmed or maybe you are feeling you are on empty, barely keeping your head above water. Maybe it's not you but someone you love struggling with these things. I encourage you, please t

ake the time to love and care for yourself. Thank you to those who helped me find my light and rainbow during this stormy chapter of life.