Having a daughter (3 actually) has given me a lot more respect and understanding of what my sisters and I put my mother (and father) through. Today I want to tackle the topic of boys - specifically that first love and first heart break. My daughter and I share a lot of common experiences with our first loves and our first heart breaks. The hardest part of it all is seeing now, just how much our first real relationships had in common.
Our first loves made us feel needed, wanted, special, desirable and even worshipped. Our first loves were our best friends who we told everything. Everyone told us "you're the best thing that ever happened to him" or "you're so good for him". But our first loves had problems. Problems that they didn't want to face and deal with. Problems that we couldn't fix - not matter how hard we tried. Problems like depression, anger, jealousy, control issues, troubled pasts and so on. Problems they poured on us and expected us to help them through or with or fix. Problems they didn't want to take ownership of and they should be seeking help for with a counselor, doctor, parent and or God (not a girlfriend).
The result - some might say the relationships became emotionally abusive. I think at the very least our first loves were very emotionally manipulative. And here's the kicker - at 16, 18, 20 we (and most young people) are NOT prepared to handle these emotions and issues. Our boyfriends weren't prepared to handle their thoughts and feelings and problems and neither were we. Emotional manipulation, which can slip easily into emotional abuse, became a defense, an attempt to hang onto what they desperately wanted.
I don't know how exactly my mother handled my emotionally manipulative first love. I do know she was patient and had faith I would one day see what she saw. She was there to help me pick up the pieces when my first love tore me down and tried to hurt me and blame me for his problems. She was there to tell me that while I might have been the best thing that ever happened to him, he wasn't the best thing that ever happened to me.
Today, my daughter is in tears. Crying because her first love is still (months after their breakup) trying to hurt her, to manipulate her feelings and her family and friends. He has "forgiven" her for things she never did but that were his problem that he blames her for. (The thing about forgiveness is it means letting go and he hasn't done that). He has twisted and manipulated the truth with his anger into lies that he believes and tells to everyone. She is crying in frustration, anger and in PAIN. And it's all I can do as a mom to not call this boy and say "what the bleep are you doing!?" But I won't. It is her call to make if she wants to call him out on his emotional blackmail and half truths and lies.
So what's a mom to do when her baby is hurting, and walking down a road that seems so familiar? I am going to take some notes from my mom. I am going to try and be patient and have faith that things will be OK and be there to help pick up the pieces if they are not OK. I am going to listen. I am going to help her see what choices she has but let her make the decisions. And I don't know if my mom did this but I am going to PRAY. I am going to pray for her heart, her thoughts, her future. I am going to pray God take her pain and use it to teach her something. Maybe she will take this and use it in her future working with "at risk" youth because she'll understand the power emotional manipulation has. Maybe God will use it in another way. I am going to PRAY for her ex. I am going to pray he owns his anger instead of blaming her for it. I am going to pray he gets help he needs with his pain and problems. I am going to pray for his heart and his future.
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