I'm Back

It's summer again. A full year since I last posted anything. Not exactly what I had intended when I started this "blogging adventure". A lot has changed since my last entry. This year my 3 children were in 3 schools, elementary, middle and jr. high. I was in preschool, starting a new adventure as a (paid) teacher. Our family took on new roles in programs at work, school and church. In addition, we adopted a second dog, made more renovations and repairs to our home and got busy to the point that we all got stressed out (or at least mommy got stressed out which stressed everyone else out). It's been a learning year for us all.
Somethings haven't changed at all though I am very proud to say. This year we will celebrate 16 years of marriage (19 years since we met and started dating). We have had our share of trials and tough times but as a couple and as a family we continue to grow stronger and learn more about how to work and play together. Watching our girls learn and grow and become beautiful, loving, smart young women is a continual source of joy for us.

Every day God reminds me He is good and faithful, even on or maybe especially on the days I start doubting and loosing faith. Whether it is a cooling rain that paints a rainbow in the sky on a hot day, or a kind unexpected word of support and encouragement from an unexpected source or the right song at the right time on the radio, everyday I feel God letting me know when I am on the right path and when I get off track.
My hope for this blog this summer and in the future is that I can share some of our adventures as individuals, a couple and as a family. Through those adventures I hope you (whoever might read this) can share in our joys and triumphs. Maybe I can inspire you or give you hope. and maybe I can show you what I see God doing in my life and in the lives of those around me.

Summer thoughts - freedom

Summer - for most of us the word triggers memories of watermelon and ice cream, trips to the park and beach, swimming in a pool and family vacations. Sometimes the word triggers other memories too - summer romances and heartbreaks, family reunions and family conflicts, or perhaps just a longing to go back to "the good 'ol days". My next few entries are going to be about summer memories.
Have you ever compared your childhood to your children's? I have been doing that this summer. Often Steve and I will talk with other adults about the freedom we had as children. Take for example riding our bikes. We would ride our bikes everywhere, miles away from home, along busy streets. Today, I have a hard time letting my daughter go 1 mile from home. When they do go out on their bikes, I make them call when they arrive to their destination - timing it from when they left. (and if it takes longer then it should, I have my car keys ready to go find them)
Is it because I don't trust my girls? Absolutely not!! I trust them; I don't trust the world around them.  My girls are getting to an age where I have to start letting them spread their wings more. I need to trust that Steve and I have taught them well and that they will be safe "out there", but I hear the stories on the news about children grabbed from the street walking or riding home from a friends house. They make it hard for me to let my children experience the freedom I had as a child. I wonder sometimes if I am sheltering them or perhaps smothering them with my protectiveness.
At the same time, I look around (again comparing my youth to today's) and kids seem to be growing up faster. Ten year old girls with boyfriends. Kids with no rules or too much freedom, who act out looking for someone to set some boundaries. Boundaries that give the child some sense of security and show them someone cares what happens to me. I know that too much freedom for a child is unhealthy too.
What does a parent do? The best they can. Steve and I look to our family and friends and our faith to help us decide how much freedom to allow our children. This year, our oldest got a cell phone and a Facebook account, but she got them with guidelines and restrictions. Some freedom, but not too much - I hope.
I talk with my girls about their summer memories (so far) and I don't think they feel they are smothered or lacking in any freedom. Their memories are very similar to mine. Swimming at pools and beaches, camping trips and summer camp, occasional trips out for ice cream or to the ice cream truck, trips to grandparents and hanging around the neighborhood with friends. So far, I think they are OK with the amount of freedom they have. And when they need more, maybe I will be ready for it!

Heaven and the Meaning of Life

I know. Pretty deep title for this early in the morning, huh? I guess I am feeling pretty "deep" today.
This past weekend, we went camping in a beautiful area of New York. We hiked gorgeous ravines and along some beautiful waterfalls. We watched deer, squirrels, chipmunks and even bugs and snakes. We sat by a campfire and watched the stars. <sigh> For me, it was like heaven on Earth.
I was also reading a book about heaven. Maybe you've read it? "Five People you'll Meet in Heaven"? I loved it; couldn't put it down. What an interesting way to look at what heaven could be like.
If you haven't read it, the book is about the life and death of a man who felt his life had no purpose or meaning. When he arrives in heaven 5 people (1 at a time) greet him and help him to understand that his life DID have purpose and meaning.
I think, I loved this story because it supports a belief I have always had. EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I don't believe in coincidence. Everything good and bad has a reason for happening, even when we don't see or understand the reasons. We may never understand this side of heaven why somethings happen. But if heaven is like this story depicts, someday we will have a wonderful understand and peace about everything that happened in our life, good and bad.
When we are going through tough times, losses, illnesses or pain, we can find it hard to remember that there might be a reason or purpose for the trials and losses we are facing. We can forget that there are people and a God who love us. We can lose sight of the good that is in our life and focus only on the negative. I know. I have been there. I have lost friends and I don't understand why. I have faced pains and hardships that I didn't see the point of. My trials might be small compared to others, but I do remember dark times where hope & meaning was hard to find. I can remember, vividly, my thoughts and my heart screaming out "WHY!!!!????"
This story give me hope. Yes, I know it's fiction. Even so, it renewed my belief and my hope that one day I will have all the answers I need. I will know "why?" and I will understand the purpose and the meaning of life. So as I sit here, drinking my coffee and facing my "routine" and "unexciting" life, I am content. I don't know all the answers about the meaning and purpose of my life, but I have faith, someday, I will.

Stress

I have been a bit stressed lately. Have you ever had those days? The ones where you are stressed, but aren't sure why? The bills are getting paid. Everyone is healthy. You have a roof over your head, a car that works and a family that loves and supports you, but you are short tempered and worried and well, stressed.
Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's the messy house which is messy because of the unfinished projects going on (bathroom renovation, painting bedrooms and so on). Maybe it's the busy pace of life or suddenly realizing your babies aren't babies anymore. Who knows?
For several years now, I have worried and stressed over the size of the school district we live in and my daughters attending the public schools as they got older. I worried about them growing up too fast because so many of their classmates are 10 going on 30. I worried about what and who they will be exposed to. All this worry leads me to stress about money... money for a bigger house in a smaller school district or maybe for private school. Stress about money leads to stress about working or not working, going to school or not, job vs career and so on and so on.
Then, last night, I watched. I watched my oldest and her class mates. I watched her friends and her peers. I watched and listened to how they interacted with one another. I watched as they were honored for making a difference in their school, for being role models and for making good choices that will positively impact their futures. I also started thinking about my discussions with my daughter over the past several years about school, friends and even about or "little" house and moving.
Today, I am starting to stress less. I am seeing more clearly now that peer pressure and kids that are growing up too fast are everywhere - small town or big city and everywhere in between. I am seeing that money isn't everything and that not having more money and a bigger house has been a blessing. I am seeing that I am blessed (and so are my girls) to have a husband who is an involved father and an extended family who is there to love and support us. No matter where we are, how much money we make or what school my girls go to, how we parent them makes more of a difference than ANY outside factor.
Does this mean I won't still worry about their education, friends, activities and so on? No, I will still worry - I think that's part of motherhood. But, I do think I will stress less about it.
Now - if only I could figure out a way to not stress about the house work and projects. <sigh> I guess that will be a subject for another days. LOL

Girls Weekend

I remember girls' weekends of a decade ago (or maybe it was more). Girlfriends, staying out all night at night clubs, food and wine and lots of "girl talk" AKA gossip. How times have changed. Today, I am preparing for a different kind of girls' weekend. Oh, it's still going to involve, staying up all night, food (mostly junk food), a  nice dinner out and girl talk, but this one's going to be very different from girls weekends of my past.
Steve and I have been preparing for THIS girls' weekend for 13 years since welcoming a baby girl into the world. Now, that baby is almost as tall as me and turning heads of boys (and young men).  Over the years, we have talked, prayed and sought advice about raising her, keeping lines of communication open and teaching her to become a young woman. This weekend is going about doing all of those things.
I am so excited. We will be going whitewater rafting - something I did for the first time when I was about her age. We'll be talking and eating and playing games. I am excited for the opportunity to have this time to REALLY get to know her, without her sisters, friends and other influences or distractions. Getting to know her as a teen, not as my "baby girl". We'll be discussing some really deep issues like her hopes and dreams, her faith and values, dating and yes, sex. We've talked about many of these things before and I hope and pray we continue to talk about them.
Talking to my peers, I have found we more often than not didn't talk about things like "deep" things growing up, with each other or our parents. Often, we still don't talk about them sometimes. Instead, we bottle stuff up, assume it's "just us" or "normal". We hurt inside or we rejoice, alone. Recently, I have seen this changing. Girls Nights Out (or GNOs) now are less about gossip and forgetting our problems and more about sharing and caring and bonding. Friends sharing struggles with parenting, health, spiritual issues, career or financial issues. Friends sharing and rejoicing in good news too like beating cancer, getting a new job, finding love. Won't it be nice if my daughters always know that they don't have to bottle stuff up inside? If they know they can share concerns or questions or joys with me or their dad and their God?
I thought I would be nervous, anxious or even scared about this weekend, but I am not. I am truly looking forward to it. Sadly, I look back at her baby pictures and know that a chapter has ended. Yet, when one chapter ends, another begins and I am SOO excited to see what this next chapter has in store for it's main characters.

pet peeves

Need to vent and process for a bit. I am not trying to be a downer and I don't want this blog to be a negative thing but I really need to sort this out. And if you have any wise words to share, I'd love to hear them.
I discovered last night I have a MAJOR pet peeve. Something that makes me so mad I want to scream, but can't. My newly discovered pet peeve.... people who don't know me or my children & family and who have never raised a child telling me how I should be raising my kids. In addition, the person involved also criticized my daughters character - taking one of her best (in my opinion) characteristics - her concern for others - and making it a flaw. "She really needs to be more independent", this person grumbled. (Actually, the person wasn't as polite as that). My inner "mama bear" kicked in and I politely defended my daughter and the person backed down some, but inside I am still upset about it. Why is it people who have never raised a child think they are experts at doing so?
Thinking about it later, while I am still angry, I also want to laugh at and cry for the person who made the comments. Why? Because if I have learned anything as a parent over the past 13+ years, it's when you judge and criticize someone else's child, that trait or thing you are judging will come back to you 10X bigger. For example, I once cared for a baby that spat up a lot. I remember saying or thinking "I have never cared for a more spitty baby". Then I had my Allie, who was 10X's worse. Or once someone called my daughter a drama queen. Then she had a son who was an even bigger moodier drama queen. I could probably rattle off dozens of examples like these. So today& in the future, this person who's saying my daughter is too insecure or dependent, needs to watch out when she has a child. It makes me want to laugh and say "pay back's a $^*%*" and it makes me feel sorry and sad for this person.
I also feel guilty. Guilty for not letting out my inner mama bear more and letting this person know how out of line and wrong she was. Guilty for wanting to laugh at her and thinking "just you wait".
So how do I process all these feelings about an event that's in the past and I can't change? This blog entry helps. I sometimes have to process things out on "paper", so thanks for allowing me the opportunity to vent and process. Next, I guess I start with that saying of "let go and let God". I need to let go of these feelings, especially my judgmental feelings of "you'll get yours". I need to hope or trust that I handled the situation in the best way possible at that time and in that place. and last I ask you - my friends, for advice. What would you do?

Bare with me

For being a "smart girl" and a math/science geek, I am really clueless when it comes to new technology. I don't have a iphone or smart phone or a blackberry  or anything remotely similar because all I want is a phone to just call and talk to people - that and I am clueless about the technology. So, as I am attempting this blog thing.. I want to play with adding music and photos and video but I have no clue what I am doing. As a result, if you are reading my blog, things might get lost or look crazy for a while. Please bear or bare? with me!