Who I am

I don't blog often but when I do, one thing I strive to be is real. I don't ever want to seem like I know all the answers or have my life all together, because I don't. I can only share my journey. I share it because it helps me when I look back at my entries and I share it in the hopes that anyone who reads it finds encouragement or perhaps a reader can offer encouragement.
Recently, I stepped out of my comfort zone and started volunteering with my daughters' youth group. I had hoped I might possibly be a positive influence in a teen's life but I never expected how my being a part of the group would challenge me to examine myself. Working with the teens I am finding myself looking back in time. I often leave youth group reflecting on the choices I made as a teen and young adult, the person I was, the person I have become. Sometimes it's difficult - facing mistakes and imperfections can be painful at times. Always it challenges me to grow, change and "do better" today.
As I look back, I realize most of my life I struggled with being accepted. I wanted to "fit in", be liked and be accepted. I think if I am truly honest, I still struggle with it. I never really knew who I was because I was always trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be. In high school, I tried being the "church girl", the "band/chorus geek", the "smart girl", "so and so's girlfriend", at times "the black sheep" and the list goes on and on. In college, I drank and partied any time anyone invited me (sometimes as often as 6 nights a week) to so I would fit in and be accepted. I made a lot of choices that when I look back sometimes I wish I hadn't in my journey to discover who I was.
Somewhere along the way I started to discover who I am - just me, not who others wanted or needed me to be. I have discovered who I am not as well. I am not confident or sure of myself - may never be. I am not the friend people call to go to social events or to go shopping and so on. I am not "popular" socially speaking. I am not perfect. So far I have discovered that I AM loved by a heavenly creator who has a plan and purpose for me. I am Steve's wife, my daughters' mother. I am a daughter and daughter in law, a sister and a friend, a teacher, a coach, a community & church volunteer. I enjoy doing thing for others and have a tough time "relaxing". I love being outdoors. I am somewhat creative and a bit disorganized. I still struggle with pleasing people, wanting to be accepted and liked but I am exactly who God created and is shaping me to be.
The journey I have been on to discover "me" hasn't been easy. At times I really disliked even hated
who I was or who I was pretending to be. Yet, today I feel as though God has taken those darker times of my life and is using them. I feel because of my journey I have great empathy for others who are struggling. I hope there are or will be times when I will be able to relate to what someone else is going through because I my own struggles. I hope that as a mom I can help my daughters (and maybe their friends) as they grow and discover who they are.
So stepping out of my comfort zone has challenged me to look back at my life, forward to who I still want to be and to the legacy I will someday leave. I am a work in progress. I am grateful to all those who are sharing in this journey with me and who have encouraged and challenged me along the way - through the ups and the downs, good choices and bad. I am thankful for those who have loved me through it all, who saw ME even when I couldn't.