New Chapters 2025

I haven't written in a while. Looking back I wish I had made more time to write things down. The highs and lows, and even the dull boring moments of life. Perhaps that will be this year's "resolution".

January 2025 our family and our country and perhaps the whole world, are going through changes. Change is hard. Change can be scary. Change can be wonderful and exciting. Change can overwhelm us or it can motivate us into action. Sometimes for me, with the changes going on in my personal life and the world around me, I sometimes feel ALL of these things through the course of a day.

I hope to continue writing here to help me navigate all the thoughts and feelings that come with life's changes. In our life, my husband was laid off due to "corporate restructuring" after 15 years. Our children are growing and becoming amazing women. Our parents are aging. Changes in our world - natural disasters, wars abroad, division in our country, a new President and his "team" in power and so on leave me concerned for the future. But I am finding I can lean into my faith in these times of change. I don't have answers and I can't predict the future, but I can trust God to be the lighthouse that guides me through the storm.

New Year coming

 Another year is coming to a close. As I sit enjoying the quiet and my morning coffee, I find myself reflecting on the year (and years) that have passed. Sometimes, it feels as though each year is more challenging then the last. Maybe it is. Maybe as we reach a certain age, things just get harder because we feel more - physically and emotionally? I am not really sure.

This year, being the "sandwich generation" has truly been felt in our home. Our kids are older, nearly out of the nest, but they still need us. We still work at trying to prioritize time together, even when we are miles apart. Our parents are also older and we are blessed that we can help and support them now as they have helped and supported us for so many years. We have been busy helping them with things big and small, from home projects to running errands or just spending some time with them.

This isn't easy. We often feel like we are "burning the candle at both ends" as my parents would say. Sometimes, things that are important get put on hold, things like self care, time as a couple, home improvements. Some days we are so sore and exhausted that we fall asleep on the couch right after dinner. Sometimes, we are so overwhelmed and emotional that we snap at or push away those closest to us. 

Patience, understanding, forgiveness, encouragement and faith (in God and in one another) have gotten us through this past year and will get us through the next one(s) too. As I look back at 2023 and forward to 2024, I know that there will always be things we can't control. There will always be struggles - physical, financial, relationship or emotional. However, in the struggle there is always a way to cope or overcome. Finding joy and gratitude in life's darkest times isn't easy. Sometimes it's something small like being grateful for the morning's quiet and some time for reflection. Sometimes it requires me to stop and reframe my perspective and REALLY search for the joy in my heart and my circumstances. Sometimes it requires me to forgive myself and those around me. I can't do any of that with out my faith. I lean into my faith and trust that there is someone there helping guide me through life's storms. 

My prayer for you and for everyone out there whether they read this or not,  is that as you face life's struggles, may you find those things that will help you through. May you find patience, strength, forgiveness, encouragement, understanding, hope, and joy. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Right time right person

 Have you heard people say "God will send right (person, opportunity, or fill in the blank) at the right time." Did you believe it?

I used to hear it often and never really truly understood it or believed it. At some point, I am not sure when, I not only started believing it but I started experiencing it too. 

I look back at my own life. I can't help but feel God was always there, opening and closing doors when the time wasn't right or the situation was wrong. 

I met my husband 30 years ago this month. We will be recognizing 27 years of marriage in September. Looking back I see God's hand in how, where, when we met. 

Before that summer, I had been in love twice. The first time I fell in love, I was scared by the intensity of my feelings. They were so real and so strong and I was young and not ready. It was the wrong time. I pushed him away. My second relationship, was very different. The relationship was on again and off again. I think my mom was right and I saw him for what he could be and not what he really was. He was the wrong man. 

That summer 30 years ago, I moved away from family and friends and worked as a live-in nanny hundreds of miles from home. I spent much of that summer figuring out what was important to me including what I wanted in a partner. I went back to my final semester not looking for another relationship. I was going to finish 3 months of school and then maybe start dating again once I graduated and settled down with a new career. (I didn't know God had a different plan)

Meanwhile, that same summer, Steve was in an industrial accident that gave him a "wake up call". His goals and priorities shifted. He realized what he was looking for and wanted too.

School reopened and before classes even started, our paths crossed. Coincidence? Some may think so but I don't. Our paths had crossed before but the time was never right and we never actually met. This time I think God had a hand in it. Right time, right place, right people.

That didn't make it easy. I still had walls up around my heart. I didn't think I was ready. But Steve was persistent. He had all the qualities I knew I was looking for honesty, loyalty, patience, similar goals and values. We could talk for hours and he always made me a priority. The walls didn't last long.

Over the past 30 years we have had our share of challenges. Some I have shared in this blog, some will remain private. Neither of us is perfect and neither is our marriage (or our family). It's not  a "happily ever after story" but it has been a "we will get through this together" story. Yet, along the way, through all of life's ups and downs God has been there opening doors, providing opportunities or challenges, closing doors and forcing us to grow. God has placed people in our lives for reasons, seasons and lifetimes. Each one a gift for the time we had with them. 

I will never understand God or His plans. I don't know why he gives and takes away, or how he works. I do know that I am grateful for His hand in my life, even the storms and heartaches, God may let us experience pain or hardships but He is there with us when we do. I still feel His hand at work in our lives, guiding us and directing us. For some, what I believe is God's hand might be viewed as coincidence, fate, or luck. It might be. Or it might not be. However you see it, in my life, I am grateful for the way the right person entered my life at the right time, and we were both in the right place. 

Being Real

I have always tried to be genuine in how I live and how I present myself on social media including this blog. So I am going to be REAL once again. I am going to talk about mental health. It's a tough subject for many people. I truly understand. I am married to a man who is amazing but who struggles with depression and anxiety (and ADHD but that's another post). All 3 of our incredible daughters also struggle with depression and or anxiety. I have had my own struggles with post partum depression as well as a period of deep depression in my teens that resulted in suicidal thoughts and attempts. 

This is not an easy topic to discuss. We have seen it in the headlines of our news related to how social media or Covid isolation impact mental health. We see it on Broadway with shows like Dear Evan Hanson and fictional shows we watch on TV. We have seen it sadly when the story of a teen taking ones life makes the local or national news. But do we talk about it with one another? Have our views on mental health changed? Or is it something people still battle alone?

My own battles with depression were some of the darkest times of my life. I felt so alone. So hopeless. As a teen I battled it alone not telling anyone until I attempted suicide. I scared myself so much that I told my parents and got counseling. Even then I never told friends or my boyfriend at the time. I still battled it alone. When I struggled with post partum depression years later, again I didn't talk about it. I felt guilty and ashamed. Around that same time my husband was struggling too.  He was diagnosed with depression and realized he had been battling it silently and alone for half of his life.

My story and my families stories involve counseling and therapy and medication. It sometimes takes a while to find the right treatment, the right therapist and the best coping methods. Not all days are good days. Even with treatments there are days someone struggles to get out of bed or has a panic attack. 

Mental health struggles even with treatments can be isolating, overwhelming and scary for not only the person with the condition but also for everyone who loves them. When you love someone with anxiety, depression, and so on, you often feel helpless, alone and afraid. It can be very dark for everyone.

I have always believed even the smallest light can chase away darkness. I am seeing more and more little flickers of light starting to share their stories. Hopefully, by writing today I can be one more light. Mental health issues are slowly coming out of the shadows. My hope is we see more conversations about struggles people are facing so we can lift up and support one another. Empathy, patience, and understanding can shine brightly chasing away the darkness of guilt or shame.

If you or someone you love battles a mental illness I hope this gives you hope. Please talk to someone so you don't face this battle alone. Not every support group or therapist will be right for you but find one that is. Share your story with a trusted loved one. Some might offer bad advice that adds to the darkness (like you can pray away your condition. Prayer can and does help many people including myself but in my experiences prayer won't change the biochemical condition of one's brain). Distance yourself from those who add more darkness and seek those who offer light . I send you much love. 

Goodbye 2022

I think my favorite time of day is the early morning when the sun has just risen. I often sit with a cup of coffee soaking in the quiet sounds of rain, wind, birds and so on. I don't know when I started to enjoy this quiet time but somewhere in my journey it has become precious to me. 

This morning marks a new year beginning so naturally my thoughts have been reflective, thinking about the year that has past. Honestly, I can't recall being more relieved to see a year end and I am not sure why. The last 5+ years have all had their share of challenges, heartbreaks and disappointments but 2022 just feels like it was harder than the others. Our family (once again defined as loved ones not genetics) has been battling Alzheimer's, Cancer, Covid and a list of other physical health struggles. Loved ones and I are dealing with mental health struggles including anxiety and depression. There have been financial struggles and job changes in addition to life changes of having "an empty nest". There have been sad goodbyes as loved ones have passed away. 

The past year hasn't been all bad. We celebrated holidays and graduations. We traveled to far corners of the country (Florida and California). We laughed. We leaned on one another. 

I don't have an expectations for 2023. I don't have a "word" to focus on or a goal or resolution. I am just ready for change. I am ready for that silver lining, rainbow after the storm or light at the end of the tunnel. I have a prayer for strength, growth and peace that helped me through 2022 and that will carry me into 2023. I pray for these things for my friends and family that might read this too. 

Goodbye 2022 and Welcome 2023. I look forward to seeing what you bring.

Dancing in the Rain

image credit unknown (found on Pinterest)

It's been a beautiful autumn. Record warm temps, sunny days and gorgeous reds, yellows and oranges everywhere I turn. I have been finding comfort in the the sun and warmth and colors because even during a great season, there are days that are stormy, cold and grey. During those days and storms, I just want to stay snuggled under a warm blanket and hide from the world. 

My life has been like that too. Some days are beautiful full of love, laughter, feelings of joy and satisfaction. Other days, life's "storms" have me feeling sad, overwhelmed or like a failure. My family (defined as people I love not just blood) is facing all sorts of storms. These physical, emotional and financial storms make me feel helpless and at times I have struggled to find hope. But storms (real and figurative) don't last and in the midst of the storms we find one another, support one another and hopefully take turns giving one another hope. Then one day, something happens and the sun returns. 

I started this entry months ago. Since then the seasons have changed but the message of this entry is still the same. When you find yourself in the midst of a storm, find others that can help you through AND remember that the storm won't last. 

Empty Nest

There is a quote, author is unclear (several have been given credit), that says "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings." Similar quote is "Good parents give their children roots and wings: roots to know where home is, and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught them."

These quotes I have often referred to over the years, when parenting has been hard, when the relationships between parent and child have been tested. I also have always viewed "our" children as gifts on loan to us, not actually "ours" but belonging to something bigger, a heavenly creator who took an egg and a sperm and created these unique and wonderful people. 

Each step our children take towards independence is a source of pride. First words, first steps, feeding themselves and potty training, each achievement, a source of pride. Then the "no's" and "why's", and tempter tantrums, years of testing boundaries and even rebellion, all part of them becoming independent adults. We rejoice when they succeed. We ache when they are sick or hurting. The journey of parenting is filled with joys, heartaches, worries and more. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that the journey to "empty nest" is just as emotional? I always knew my role as their primary provider, protector, teacher and counselor would end (or at least evolve into something else). Still nothing has prepared me for the emotions that I have been experiencing and my children begin "leaving the nest". 

Some days I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. With the help of our family, friends and community, Steve and I managed to raise 3 individuals who are pursuing their dreams, building on their gifts and talents and who are people I am proud to know. Some days, I feel a sense of loss and sadness. These same individuals who once needed me for practically everything, now take care of themselves. Our home which was once so busy and noisy is now often deafeningly silent. 

The days that are hardest though are the days when I am excited about "the next chapter". Steve and I have spent 24 years as parents. During that time, it's sometimes been hard to focus on our relationship. Being "mom and dad" often outweighed being "husband and wife". We have had to work HARD on our relationship and marriage. Now with fewer demands as "mom and dad" I am excited to see what is next for us as "husband and wife". The excitement and happy anticipation then makes me feel guilty that I am not feeling sadder. 

For us, all of this is happening with a global pandemic taking place. Fear and uncertainty, isolation, and worry magnifies every emotion. Each day brings new changes and challenges for us and everyone we love, our community and our world. If I am honest, there have been days it feels overwhelming. Still, this is the world we live in. The world I am sending them off to "fly" in and we have to cope with it the best we can.

My "nest" isn't empty yet.

It probably won't be for a long time, not really, as the girls will come home from college or while they are between jobs (or if we go into another "stay at home" phase where things shut down due to this pandemic virus). The empty nest is a destination and the journey is an emotional one. Whether the emotion of the day is a joyful one or a difficult one, I am trying to embrace each emotion, each day, each experience and learn from it. I remind myself that each emotion is OK and normal and try to let myself feel it fully. 

Whether you are reading this dreaming of starting a family, raising one or watching your children on their own journeys, I am sending you a virtual hug and saying a prayer. I pray for you the same things I often pray for myself. I pray for wisdom, strength, courage and patience to face whatever the day brings. I also pray that you have loved ones and support system to help you through every emotion your day brings. I am grateful for mine (and I hope they know that).

Rediscovering Myself

Ever find yourself with a million thoughts swirling around in your head? Worry? Plans and dreams? Disappointments? To do lists? Emotions you can't control?

That's where I am at as I sit down to attempt to write. Trying to slow down the whirling swirling thoughts that are running through my head. The irony is I work with youth everyday trying to coach them on how to manage their worry, fear, feelings, and thoughts. Yet today I struggle with mine.

So what would I tell one of my youth? I might encourage taking care of their bodies - water, and exercise. Some I encourage to write down their thoughts - journal or make lists. Others I coach and encourage to be creative - let out their feelings and thoughts through art and music. Mindfulness and mediation helps others - focusing on breathing and ones 5 senses. Focus on thankfulness or positivity and seek 1 thing to be grateful for is another thing we sometimes work on. Others sometimes I can talk to about prayer or having faith in something bigger than themselves. 

As I go through this list of what I would tell my children (my own and those who I volunteer or work with) I came to realize I have been neglecting ALL - literally ALL - of these things myself. Somewhere along the line I have let the negativity of 2020, the desire to care for those all around me and the need to somehow make a difference in a world that is spinning out of my control cause me to forget about myself. 

Then I had a wakeup call. I came home from working 2 jobs (both of which I love, working with youth and families, making a difference) and realized I had nothing left. I was on empty. I poured myself out until I had nothing for anyone. I sat down on the couch and collapsed - an empty vessel. 

But I had no idea what to do about it or how to fix it. My husband and I both recognized it and we talked about it. I apologized to my daughter for it, for having nothing to give.  None of us had an answer.

The answer came from a few strange and unexpected places. Maybe you would say coincidence? I say God works in mysterious ways. 

Quarantine - one of the same things that caused our isolation, anxiety and worry was also one of my saving graces. When my husband and a person I worked with both got calls that they had been in contact with a positive Covid case, I found myself really on "lock down". No working, no errands, no anything. At first, it added to my stress and worry (a story for another entry). But then something else happened. Something I never would have expected.

I started playing a game over the summer. It's a global game with knights and castles and dragons. I met some people playing the game dealing with the same struggles in real life. They are from around the world, also missing loved ones, dealing with all that has been 2020. A few of them helped me and I don't even think they realize it. These strangers who I have never met somehow inspired me to rediscover myself. 

So here I sit. Doing the things I have been neglecting. First, I had a good cry, an ugly, let everything out kind of cry. Then I took a day to take care of myself. I think it was the first time in maybe a year I curled my hair or put on makeup. I am writing again (thank you ladies. you know who you are and I know you will read this!). I am praying again. I am planning to paint and sew and decorate. I am drinking more water and going for a walk to breath in the cool crisp November air. 

It's taken me a while and some unexpected circumstances to remember that I can't care for those I love if I don't love myself. I can't make a difference in the lives of others if I don't have control of MY life. I can't BE me if neglect to take care of me. 

So I write today for myself, because it helps me with my thoughts and feelings but also in the hope that maybe it will help and encourage you too. We are all struggling right now. Maybe you are feeling lost, alone and overwhelmed or maybe you are feeling you are on empty, barely keeping your head above water. Maybe it's not you but someone you love struggling with these things. I encourage you, please t

ake the time to love and care for yourself. Thank you to those who helped me find my light and rainbow during this stormy chapter of life. 

When Pain Lingers Part II - Choosing Joy and Hope

In my last entry I talked about some of the effects lingering pain can have on us.Today I want to say a little about how to cope with pain and the choices we have when facing pain.
Have you ever thought about the power God designed our minds to have? Electrical signals constantly going from every part of our body to the brain and back again. Power to feel, power to move, power to regulate our body temperature, pump our blood - to live, all controlled through the nervous system. I think I always took the power of our nervous system for granted until there was something wrong. Maybe it's the signals are malfunctioning because of a chemical imbalance as in the case of depression or anxiety disorders. Maybe the signals are telling your body that something is wrong when there isn't as in the case of CRPS. Maybe it's something different, but when our nervous system doesn't respond "normally" we being to notice the power of the brain and nerves.
Recently, family health issues have required me to learn a lot about how our bodies work. How God designed our bodies is SO incredible. There is an old saying "mind over matter". I never knew how true that could be. I am NOT saying we can "think away" real biological problems. I am saying I am in awe of how God gave us tools to cope with our hurts & pain. How we face our problems and pain in life can and often does have a DIRECT impact on the outcome of the situation. Believing things can improve, having hope, choosing JOY and positivity can help one cope with pain, sadness, despair.
I watched children (including my daughter) and families facing pain I hopefully will never have to endure. They coped with it sometimes with medicines but the meds are just a temporary solution. The true healing came from hard work - physical, mental and emotional. Changing their thinking, redirecting it from the pain, believing they can return to a normal life, choosing hope and joy was critical in their success (or not succeeding). There was no "cure" but through retraining their minds and bodies, they were able to return to normal life activities and cope with the pain their bodies were in.
As I reflect on this, I am reminded of Scriptures. God tells us to be thankful in ALL circumstances, to cast our worries on Him. God wants us to be filled with joy, hope and light. I can only assume that is because as our creator, God knows the power hope and joy have. Hope and joy, a grateful heart, a heart that trusts, instead of fears is not an easy task. It doesn't come naturally - at least to me. It is a choice I have to make daily, sometimes even hourly. Some days I succeed some days I don't. But each day, I will try to choose gratitude, hope and joy.

When Pain Lingers On

In the past, I have mentioned how this blog doubles as a digital diary helping me to look back at how my faith has helped me and my family through some of life's challenges. I have tried to respect my family's privacy and been vague about what some of those challenges have been but today I would like to address a specific challenge our family has been facing and what I am learning through the experience in the hopes that maybe someone who reads this might be helped or encouraged as well (even if that person is just me in the future who needs a reminder of this time of my life)
Pain - we all face it from time to time. Pain is a part of life. I believe God gave our bodies the ability (some would say our bodies evolved) to feel pain to protect us. Pain is how our brain knows there is something wrong from mild pain like the stove is hot or we are getting a sunburn or we have a scrape or cut that needs cleaning to severe pain that might tell us something is wrong internally like an infection, a broken bone or other internal injury. Pain can tell us to rest and heal or to see a Dr or to prevent further injury.
As a mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend, I hate seeing those I love in pain. I hurt when those I love are hurting. Over the past few years, my family and I have faced pain of all sorts - injuries, illness, surgeries, heartbreak and so on and it has all has been challenging. There is one specific situation I want to address here. What happens when the pain doesn't go away? And in my next entry I want to write about  How do you find joy while you are hurting or someone you love is hurting ?
Millions of people deal with constant pain. Causes of the pain might vary from arthritis or fibromyalgia, pinched nerves, autoimmune disorders, cancer, an old injury and this list can go on and on. Pain that doesn't go away or that lasts a LONG time changes you. It not only changes what you can do physically but what you are capable of mentally and emotionally and spiritually as well. Pain changes the person effected and all those in their lives. Relationships change. Friends disappear. Feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression, anxiety, frustration, anger and so on can set in (for everyone involved). Until you experience this yourself or with someone you love, you can't fully understand the toll it takes - at least I didn't.
My daughter's chronic pain was caused by CRPS or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which in layman's terms means her nervous system is malfunctioning sending pain signals when it shouldn't.
As I type my daughter is in treatments for chronic pain at one of the best children's hospitals in the country. We have been here for 3 weeks. We have about 2 more weeks to go. The professionals (doctors, nurses, psychologists, physical and occupational therapists) treating my daughter and other children like her tell us that her pain will probably get better - with time. How much time, they can't say and she might have to deal with her pain for years (or longer) OR it could get better in weeks or months. In the mean time they are helping her cope with the pain and regain normal function and activity.
The hospital is teaching me too. We are learning about the power of our thoughts, of discipline, exercise, coping and relaxation "tools" and types of motivations. We are learning how by changing our thoughts and actions we can actual cause changes to our biology (our heart rate can slow or calm, our nervous system responses can change, and so on). We are learning the importance of dealing with our feelings instead of burying them or just "pushing through" them. Scripture has taught these things as well, but somehow I lost sight of it. For example "As someone thinks within himself, so he is.-Proverbs 23:7" We are not victims of biology or circumstances. Science is proving what Scripture already says. Dr. Caroline Leaf in her book Switch on Your Brain states“When you think, you build thoughts, and these become physical substances in your brain.” (For other verses and info on the power of our brain and thoughts https://medium.com/baysidechurch/7-verses-about-the-power-of-your-thoughts-8a50b8e1910f  or https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-our-thoughts/  and there are probably more) 
I am being reminded by this experience, by the medical professionals treating my daughter, through spending time reading devotions, praying and meditating (nothing fancy - just getting lost in my thoughts) just how powerful our thoughts and behaviors are. I see more than ever why God (in Scriptures) mentions frequently to be careful what we think and do. Life is always going to involve challenges, stresses, and even pain. What God and science are teaching me is that how we face the obstacles life throws at us through our thoughts, attitudes and actions WILL make a difference in the outcome of those challenges. Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Spring is Muddy

Spring and I have a love hate relationship. I LOVE that there is more sunlight, that temperatures start to rise and that there are signs of new life everywhere. I love the hope spring brings. However, I also hate spring. I often tell people it is my least favorite season. It is SO muddy and dirty. The snow melts and EVERYTHING where I live is covered in the salt and sand and dirt from the roads. A winter's worth of blown or plowed trash, dead leaves and animal droppings are everywhere. Everything is grey and brown. Oh, and bugs and critters come back. I live near a park where spring means ants, beetles, mosquitoes, stinkbugs and more. It means mice and skunks and squirrels who are hungry getting into trash cans and gardens and so on. It means my cat brings me "gifts" of these critters and my dog is always in need of a bath (even right after a bath). So spring and I don't always get along.

I do have a favorite spring image though. This photo of pansies I think growing under the snow, poking out through the dirt and dead leaves is a favorite photo of mine. It's not beautiful or artistic but it speaks to me. Pansies are an annual flower. They are supposed to last only one season. Still, here are 2 or 3 small pansies who not only survived the cold winter but are growing and soon will be blossoming. This picture reminds me that through the cold dark seasons of life God is growing us, strengthening us. It reminds me that change isn't pretty. Change, even good change, is muddy and messy and sometimes even ugly but in the end we blossom.

Things are changing at our house. It seems our season of waiting might be coming to an end. We are starting to "see the light at the end of the tunnel" as the saying goes. The season coming is going to be hard and messy and complicated and hopefully beautiful! We are starting to get answers for our girls health struggles. There are answers for treatments and healing. I know that nothing about the next few months will be easy, but I have hope. I have faith that God is working out all the details and creating something beautiful under all this mess. And I have peace, a peace I can't explain. Our world is about to get even crazier and I have a peace about it. Seems odd to me. But then I remember these 2 pictures and I remember (OK full disclosure - I remember the Bible says something about peace beyond understanding and I google it and find it) Philippians 4:7 says "And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." I have peace about the muddiness that is to come and faith that spring will bring something wonderful!

Waiting Game

In our house we are waiting. Waiting for answers. I will be honest. I am NOT good at waiting. If I am honest, I don't know many people who are. Waiting is hard. The unknown is uncomfortable and triggers fear and worry. Add that to the fact that the thing you are waiting for is a solution to something that is causing you or a loved one pain and waiting gets even harder for this mama.
So I find myself counting down. I am counting down until the next doctors appointment. I am counting down to when the next test result comes in. I find myself searching for the end of the tunnel and rushing to get through it.
What am I doing rushing things? Hoping time flies faster? But just yesterday I was saying I wanted a pause button or for life to slow down. Looking at FB memories I wondered "how did they grow up so fast?" Why am I trying to rush things away? Why spend so much time worrying and fearing tomorrow, next month, or next year and also hoping for them to get here?
I am SLOWLY learning that even the bad moments, the painful moments, the waiting moments are moments to make the most out of. Years ago, a woman came to talk to a mom's group I was in. The theme of her talk was "This too shall pass". She spoke of how as babies we can't wait for our child's NEXT phase. We can't wait until s/he sleeps through the night, talks, walks, is potty trained and so on. But we forget once they sleep though the night there will be no more late night snuggling and bonding. Walking means new exploration and less being held. We can rush to the next big milestone and take for granted the moment(s) right now. I try to remember her words and while I wait for what comes next (and I don't wait well - I know that) I don't want to take today for granted either.
Many people know Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 as a song sung by the Byrds. click here for video  Today, it is a season of waiting. I need to stop and focus on today and let tomorrow be it's own day and not rush it to get here. There are blessings to be found in every season. Sometimes we just have to look harder to find them. My goal today is to remember to look at today and not focus on whatever it is I am waiting for.

first loves and first heart breaks written 2016

Having a daughter (3 actually) has given me a lot more respect and understanding of what my sisters and I put my mother (and father) through. Today I want to tackle the topic of boys - specifically that first love and first heart break. My daughter and I share a lot of common experiences with our first loves and our first heart breaks. The hardest part of it all is seeing now, just how much our first real relationships had in common.
Our first loves made us feel needed, wanted, special, desirable and even worshipped. Our first loves were our best friends who we told everything. Everyone told us "you're the best thing that ever happened to him" or "you're so good for him". But our first loves had problems. Problems that they didn't want to face and deal with. Problems that we couldn't fix - not matter how hard we tried. Problems like depression, anger, jealousy, control issues, troubled pasts and so on. Problems they poured on us and expected us to help them through or with or fix. Problems they didn't want to take ownership of and they should be seeking help for with a counselor, doctor, parent and or God (not a girlfriend).
The result - some might say the relationships became emotionally abusive. I think at the very least our first loves were very emotionally manipulative. And here's the kicker - at 16, 18, 20 we (and most young people) are NOT prepared to handle these emotions and issues. Our boyfriends weren't prepared to handle their thoughts and feelings and problems and neither were we. Emotional manipulation, which can slip easily into emotional abuse, became a defense, an attempt to hang onto what they desperately wanted.
I don't know how exactly my mother handled my emotionally manipulative first love. I do know she was patient and had faith I would one day see what she saw. She was there to help me pick up the pieces when my first love tore me down and tried to hurt me and blame me for his problems. She was there to tell me that while I might have been the best thing that ever happened to him, he wasn't the best thing that ever happened to me.
Today, my daughter is in tears. Crying because her first love is still (months after their breakup) trying to hurt her, to manipulate her feelings and her family and friends. He has "forgiven" her for things she never did but that were his problem that he blames her for. (The thing about forgiveness is it means letting go and he hasn't done that). He has twisted and manipulated the truth with his anger into lies that he believes and tells to everyone.  She is crying in frustration, anger and in PAIN. And it's all I can do as a mom to not call this boy and say "what the bleep are you doing!?" But I won't. It is her call to make if she wants to call him out on his emotional blackmail and half truths and lies.
So what's a mom to do when her baby is hurting, and walking down a road that seems so familiar? I am going to take some notes from my mom. I am going to try and be patient and have faith that things will be OK and be there to help pick up the pieces if they are not OK. I am going to listen. I am going to help her see what choices she has but let her make the decisions. And I don't know if my mom did this but I am going to PRAY. I am going to pray for her heart, her thoughts, her future. I am going to pray God take her pain and use it to teach her something. Maybe she will take this and use it in her future working with "at risk" youth because she'll understand the power emotional manipulation has. Maybe God will use it in another way. I am going to PRAY for her ex. I am going to pray he owns his anger instead of blaming her for it. I am going to pray he gets help he needs with his pain and problems. I am going to pray for his heart and his future.

Storm of 2018

This blog has become a place where I can journal and sort out my thoughts as my family and I journey through life. I have noticed looking back that this blog has been were I seem share some of my family's darker hours and the light that helps us through them. Some might think we don't have good times or that we are always struggling with something and I can see how it might appear that way. However when times are good or "easy", when we aren't facing a challenge of some sort, I find I have less to say. I could post "Things are really good. Praise the Lord!" and it would be very true, but I think it would be boring to read. Plus when things are good, I have less on my mind, less to sort through and process and less to offer someone else, therefore I have less to write. So I will continue writing this blog as a tool to help me and maybe someone else through the twists and turns and bumps along the journey of life.
As you might have guessed (because I am writing again), our family's journey has taken some unexpected turns as of late. In fact, sometimes it feels like we have started a new journey all together. For about 6 months now our youngest 2 daughters have been facing some painful and unexplainable (unrelated to each other) health conditions. We have been spend a lot of time at different doctors offices and hospitals, urgent cares and ER's, physical therapists, acupuncturists, testing facilities, counselors and so on. Questions are many and so far, answers have been few.
It is so hard watching someone you love hurting. I think it's even harder when that someone is your child. As a mom, I feel like part of my job is to protect my child(ren) and prevent them from getting hurt. Another part of my job is to help them when they do get hurt or are hurting. When I am helpless to do either, I don't have words to describe what that is like.
I will be honest. At times over the past few months things have felt dark. My whole family has struggled with feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, pain, being discouraged and overwhelmed just to put names on a few of our emotions. I have found myself feeling lost, confused and like I didn't have the strength to face the trials we were going through.
That's where the triumph part of my title comes in. In my darkest moments, the times when I have sometimes literally cried out "I can't do this", I hear a voice inside me reminding me "I am here. You can do this. Lean into me". Words fill my head and heart like "Trust me" "I have a plan for her. I love her".  I feel my emotions calm. My tears stop. My thoughts stop racing. God gives me little things to help my family through today while reassuring me to trust Him for tomorrow. I can't really explain it.
On the wall of my living room is a quote. You can see it in the picture of my family on the blog page. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain". Lately I have also been reminded of the title of this blog and the Bible verse it refers to. Matthew 7:24-27 New Living Translation (NLT) 24 “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. 25 Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. 26 But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. 27 When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”
And right now my family is in one heck of a storm. But God is helping me (and us) dance in the rain and because we have built our house on a strong foundation, this storm will not break us or defeat us. We will stand firm.

Can't stay silent

My church's head pastor shared this reminder recently (for his whole message please read http://tgponline.org/speak-up). "“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” (Proverbs 31:8,9 NIV) We are told to speak up and not remain silent when it comes to those who are hurting, needy, marginalized or disenfranchised in some way. James 2:18 states, “I will show you my faith by what I do.” Speaking up is doing what is right. It is an action of our faith. Nothing is more compelling or authentic as a witness for the Christian faith than speaking up for those in need and calling for justice."
So I am going to speak up.... There is NO race, religion, class, gender, or person who is SUPERIOR. We are all equal. Equally created, equally valuable and even equally flawed. There is no perfect person, no perfect family, no perfect culture, no perfect race. For people to think they are in some way "better than" anyone else is crazy. And when this belief that "I am better than or worth more than someone else" then is used to justify treating someone else badly (or worse) it is WRONG - from the school yard bully to the terrorist with a gun or bomb or driving a vehicle into a crowd to the individual buying or selling others people in modern slavery and human trafficking - it is WRONG. EVERY life is unique and valuable. NO person is better than any other person.
The sad thing is the idea of being superior or having a superior ideology grows. These are the lies Satan uses to make hate and prejudice grow. It can grow until it becomes extremism and even terrorism. I have NEVER understood extremists and fanatics and I understand even less when people with extreme views use aggression, violence, vandalism and even murder to "prove" their point. It just is heartbreaking to me. And yet, it all goes back to the idea that somehow some lives are worth more than others.
I pray that someday EVERYONE will honor, respect and value all human life. I don't know what I can do alone but I will keep being as loving, patient and kind as I can. I will do my best to love more and judge less. I will keep praying. I will teach my children (and anyone else I can) that while they are special, unique and wonderful, they are not worth more than anyone else and that we are all equal in the eyes of our Creator. I will teach my children to stand up for what is right - to speak out against injustice and to speak up for those being mistreated. I might be just one small person in the face of a big problem but I have faith that if enough small people like me keep speaking up, keep praying, and keep loving and trying to live out their faith, then there will be change. I pray you join me and together God will use us to make this world better for everyone.

Confessions of a contagious crier

Those who know me and even those that don't know me well know that I am a crier. I call myself a contagious crier. Maybe it's because when I take those tests that measure your gifts and strengths, I score pretty high in empathy. Maybe it's something else. Who knows? But when I see someone crying, I almost feel their hurt or their joy and I cry too. And it's not just seeing people in real life. Stories on TV or in books, commercials, songs on the radio, and posts shared on FB, my family just hands me the box of tissues.
Maybe that's why when someone I care about is going through a rough chapter in life - illness or injury, financial trouble, relationships, internal struggles or whatever - I feel so overwhelmed. I can deal with my own challenges, pain, struggles and I feel fine. The stress of things happening in my life doesn't seem to bother me really. I can handle it most of the time. But when someone I care about has stress in their life and it eats me up. Maybe it's the empathy and contagious crier part of me or maybe it is because I want to be able to help and can't, but watching others hurting is harder for me than going through the pain myself.
It seems to come in waves too. Everything will be going along honky dory when one loved one after another shares some big (bad) news or a prayer request or I just see them struggling. Why is that? Suddenly my head and heart are full of thoughts and feelings about those close to me. My heart hurts and I feel on the verge of tears even when no one is around.
So what do I do? I am still trying to figure that out. I have learned this year that I had been bottling a lot of this in. Then when the "crisis" (even when it's not my "crisis") is over my body literally starts reacting with racing heart rates, headaches, and so on. Doctors are helping me with the physical effects. Still, I need to find find way to help myself deal with the racing thoughts, feelings of worry or fear, (and empathy), the desire to help and feeling of helplessness when I can't. So this is what I am doing. First, I am being real about it. This blog is part of that. What is the saying - you can't fix what you don't acknowledge? My hope is that I will look back on this blog (and maybe others will too) and remind myself to not bury my feelings. Secondly, I am talking to God a lot more. I am realizing more and more He is the friend who I can always vent to AND not only will he listen, but he has the power to help too! The more I talk to God and spend time with Him, the more I sense Him and trust that even when I don't understand why bad or difficult things are happening, He will work it out and has a plan for it. Which brings me to the last thing I am trying to do more. It is so easy to stay focused on the "why is this happening?", the "what ifs" and the "I should haves"in times of challenges even though I have always been a glass half full kind of person. We (or at least I) can get caught up in the sadness, frustration, anger or guilt of the moment. So in times of difficulties or growth & challenges (my own or those of people I love) I am focusing on finding something to be thankful for. This isn't always easy but it is easier when I stay focused on counting my blessings, on promises I have seen God keep and prayers I have seen God answer.
I can't always help those I love. I can't ease their pain, or take away their struggles no matter how much I want to. I can listen. I can pray. I can offer help or advice. And when their hurting hearts make mine ache too, I can talk trust God to take care of us both.

This entry is a bit different then some as I typed it on my phone and then to transfer it to this blog I had to do so as a photo. I hope it works. I apologize for grammatical errors and such that I didn't catch on my phone.