New Year coming

 Another year is coming to a close. As I sit enjoying the quiet and my morning coffee, I find myself reflecting on the year (and years) that have passed. Sometimes, it feels as though each year is more challenging then the last. Maybe it is. Maybe as we reach a certain age, things just get harder because we feel more - physically and emotionally? I am not really sure.

This year, being the "sandwich generation" has truly been felt in our home. Our kids are older, nearly out of the nest, but they still need us. We still work at trying to prioritize time together, even when we are miles apart. Our parents are also older and we are blessed that we can help and support them now as they have helped and supported us for so many years. We have been busy helping them with things big and small, from home projects to running errands or just spending some time with them.

This isn't easy. We often feel like we are "burning the candle at both ends" as my parents would say. Sometimes, things that are important get put on hold, things like self care, time as a couple, home improvements. Some days we are so sore and exhausted that we fall asleep on the couch right after dinner. Sometimes, we are so overwhelmed and emotional that we snap at or push away those closest to us. 

Patience, understanding, forgiveness, encouragement and faith (in God and in one another) have gotten us through this past year and will get us through the next one(s) too. As I look back at 2023 and forward to 2024, I know that there will always be things we can't control. There will always be struggles - physical, financial, relationship or emotional. However, in the struggle there is always a way to cope or overcome. Finding joy and gratitude in life's darkest times isn't easy. Sometimes it's something small like being grateful for the morning's quiet and some time for reflection. Sometimes it requires me to stop and reframe my perspective and REALLY search for the joy in my heart and my circumstances. Sometimes it requires me to forgive myself and those around me. I can't do any of that with out my faith. I lean into my faith and trust that there is someone there helping guide me through life's storms. 

My prayer for you and for everyone out there whether they read this or not,  is that as you face life's struggles, may you find those things that will help you through. May you find patience, strength, forgiveness, encouragement, understanding, hope, and joy. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Right time right person

 Have you heard people say "God will send right (person, opportunity, or fill in the blank) at the right time." Did you believe it?

I used to hear it often and never really truly understood it or believed it. At some point, I am not sure when, I not only started believing it but I started experiencing it too. 

I look back at my own life. I can't help but feel God was always there, opening and closing doors when the time wasn't right or the situation was wrong. 

I met my husband 30 years ago this month. We will be recognizing 27 years of marriage in September. Looking back I see God's hand in how, where, when we met. 

Before that summer, I had been in love twice. The first time I fell in love, I was scared by the intensity of my feelings. They were so real and so strong and I was young and not ready. It was the wrong time. I pushed him away. My second relationship, was very different. The relationship was on again and off again. I think my mom was right and I saw him for what he could be and not what he really was. He was the wrong man. 

That summer 30 years ago, I moved away from family and friends and worked as a live-in nanny hundreds of miles from home. I spent much of that summer figuring out what was important to me including what I wanted in a partner. I went back to my final semester not looking for another relationship. I was going to finish 3 months of school and then maybe start dating again once I graduated and settled down with a new career. (I didn't know God had a different plan)

Meanwhile, that same summer, Steve was in an industrial accident that gave him a "wake up call". His goals and priorities shifted. He realized what he was looking for and wanted too.

School reopened and before classes even started, our paths crossed. Coincidence? Some may think so but I don't. Our paths had crossed before but the time was never right and we never actually met. This time I think God had a hand in it. Right time, right place, right people.

That didn't make it easy. I still had walls up around my heart. I didn't think I was ready. But Steve was persistent. He had all the qualities I knew I was looking for honesty, loyalty, patience, similar goals and values. We could talk for hours and he always made me a priority. The walls didn't last long.

Over the past 30 years we have had our share of challenges. Some I have shared in this blog, some will remain private. Neither of us is perfect and neither is our marriage (or our family). It's not  a "happily ever after story" but it has been a "we will get through this together" story. Yet, along the way, through all of life's ups and downs God has been there opening doors, providing opportunities or challenges, closing doors and forcing us to grow. God has placed people in our lives for reasons, seasons and lifetimes. Each one a gift for the time we had with them. 

I will never understand God or His plans. I don't know why he gives and takes away, or how he works. I do know that I am grateful for His hand in my life, even the storms and heartaches, God may let us experience pain or hardships but He is there with us when we do. I still feel His hand at work in our lives, guiding us and directing us. For some, what I believe is God's hand might be viewed as coincidence, fate, or luck. It might be. Or it might not be. However you see it, in my life, I am grateful for the way the right person entered my life at the right time, and we were both in the right place. 

Being Real

I have always tried to be genuine in how I live and how I present myself on social media including this blog. So I am going to be REAL once again. I am going to talk about mental health. It's a tough subject for many people. I truly understand. I am married to a man who is amazing but who struggles with depression and anxiety (and ADHD but that's another post). All 3 of our incredible daughters also struggle with depression and or anxiety. I have had my own struggles with post partum depression as well as a period of deep depression in my teens that resulted in suicidal thoughts and attempts. 

This is not an easy topic to discuss. We have seen it in the headlines of our news related to how social media or Covid isolation impact mental health. We see it on Broadway with shows like Dear Evan Hanson and fictional shows we watch on TV. We have seen it sadly when the story of a teen taking ones life makes the local or national news. But do we talk about it with one another? Have our views on mental health changed? Or is it something people still battle alone?

My own battles with depression were some of the darkest times of my life. I felt so alone. So hopeless. As a teen I battled it alone not telling anyone until I attempted suicide. I scared myself so much that I told my parents and got counseling. Even then I never told friends or my boyfriend at the time. I still battled it alone. When I struggled with post partum depression years later, again I didn't talk about it. I felt guilty and ashamed. Around that same time my husband was struggling too.  He was diagnosed with depression and realized he had been battling it silently and alone for half of his life.

My story and my families stories involve counseling and therapy and medication. It sometimes takes a while to find the right treatment, the right therapist and the best coping methods. Not all days are good days. Even with treatments there are days someone struggles to get out of bed or has a panic attack. 

Mental health struggles even with treatments can be isolating, overwhelming and scary for not only the person with the condition but also for everyone who loves them. When you love someone with anxiety, depression, and so on, you often feel helpless, alone and afraid. It can be very dark for everyone.

I have always believed even the smallest light can chase away darkness. I am seeing more and more little flickers of light starting to share their stories. Hopefully, by writing today I can be one more light. Mental health issues are slowly coming out of the shadows. My hope is we see more conversations about struggles people are facing so we can lift up and support one another. Empathy, patience, and understanding can shine brightly chasing away the darkness of guilt or shame.

If you or someone you love battles a mental illness I hope this gives you hope. Please talk to someone so you don't face this battle alone. Not every support group or therapist will be right for you but find one that is. Share your story with a trusted loved one. Some might offer bad advice that adds to the darkness (like you can pray away your condition. Prayer can and does help many people including myself but in my experiences prayer won't change the biochemical condition of one's brain). Distance yourself from those who add more darkness and seek those who offer light . I send you much love. 

Goodbye 2022

I think my favorite time of day is the early morning when the sun has just risen. I often sit with a cup of coffee soaking in the quiet sounds of rain, wind, birds and so on. I don't know when I started to enjoy this quiet time but somewhere in my journey it has become precious to me. 

This morning marks a new year beginning so naturally my thoughts have been reflective, thinking about the year that has past. Honestly, I can't recall being more relieved to see a year end and I am not sure why. The last 5+ years have all had their share of challenges, heartbreaks and disappointments but 2022 just feels like it was harder than the others. Our family (once again defined as loved ones not genetics) has been battling Alzheimer's, Cancer, Covid and a list of other physical health struggles. Loved ones and I are dealing with mental health struggles including anxiety and depression. There have been financial struggles and job changes in addition to life changes of having "an empty nest". There have been sad goodbyes as loved ones have passed away. 

The past year hasn't been all bad. We celebrated holidays and graduations. We traveled to far corners of the country (Florida and California). We laughed. We leaned on one another. 

I don't have an expectations for 2023. I don't have a "word" to focus on or a goal or resolution. I am just ready for change. I am ready for that silver lining, rainbow after the storm or light at the end of the tunnel. I have a prayer for strength, growth and peace that helped me through 2022 and that will carry me into 2023. I pray for these things for my friends and family that might read this too. 

Goodbye 2022 and Welcome 2023. I look forward to seeing what you bring.

Dancing in the Rain

image credit unknown (found on Pinterest)

It's been a beautiful autumn. Record warm temps, sunny days and gorgeous reds, yellows and oranges everywhere I turn. I have been finding comfort in the the sun and warmth and colors because even during a great season, there are days that are stormy, cold and grey. During those days and storms, I just want to stay snuggled under a warm blanket and hide from the world. 

My life has been like that too. Some days are beautiful full of love, laughter, feelings of joy and satisfaction. Other days, life's "storms" have me feeling sad, overwhelmed or like a failure. My family (defined as people I love not just blood) is facing all sorts of storms. These physical, emotional and financial storms make me feel helpless and at times I have struggled to find hope. But storms (real and figurative) don't last and in the midst of the storms we find one another, support one another and hopefully take turns giving one another hope. Then one day, something happens and the sun returns. 

I started this entry months ago. Since then the seasons have changed but the message of this entry is still the same. When you find yourself in the midst of a storm, find others that can help you through AND remember that the storm won't last. 

Empty Nest

There is a quote, author is unclear (several have been given credit), that says "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other wings." Similar quote is "Good parents give their children roots and wings: roots to know where home is, and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught them."

These quotes I have often referred to over the years, when parenting has been hard, when the relationships between parent and child have been tested. I also have always viewed "our" children as gifts on loan to us, not actually "ours" but belonging to something bigger, a heavenly creator who took an egg and a sperm and created these unique and wonderful people. 

Each step our children take towards independence is a source of pride. First words, first steps, feeding themselves and potty training, each achievement, a source of pride. Then the "no's" and "why's", and tempter tantrums, years of testing boundaries and even rebellion, all part of them becoming independent adults. We rejoice when they succeed. We ache when they are sick or hurting. The journey of parenting is filled with joys, heartaches, worries and more. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that the journey to "empty nest" is just as emotional? I always knew my role as their primary provider, protector, teacher and counselor would end (or at least evolve into something else). Still nothing has prepared me for the emotions that I have been experiencing and my children begin "leaving the nest". 

Some days I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. With the help of our family, friends and community, Steve and I managed to raise 3 individuals who are pursuing their dreams, building on their gifts and talents and who are people I am proud to know. Some days, I feel a sense of loss and sadness. These same individuals who once needed me for practically everything, now take care of themselves. Our home which was once so busy and noisy is now often deafeningly silent. 

The days that are hardest though are the days when I am excited about "the next chapter". Steve and I have spent 24 years as parents. During that time, it's sometimes been hard to focus on our relationship. Being "mom and dad" often outweighed being "husband and wife". We have had to work HARD on our relationship and marriage. Now with fewer demands as "mom and dad" I am excited to see what is next for us as "husband and wife". The excitement and happy anticipation then makes me feel guilty that I am not feeling sadder. 

For us, all of this is happening with a global pandemic taking place. Fear and uncertainty, isolation, and worry magnifies every emotion. Each day brings new changes and challenges for us and everyone we love, our community and our world. If I am honest, there have been days it feels overwhelming. Still, this is the world we live in. The world I am sending them off to "fly" in and we have to cope with it the best we can.

My "nest" isn't empty yet.

It probably won't be for a long time, not really, as the girls will come home from college or while they are between jobs (or if we go into another "stay at home" phase where things shut down due to this pandemic virus). The empty nest is a destination and the journey is an emotional one. Whether the emotion of the day is a joyful one or a difficult one, I am trying to embrace each emotion, each day, each experience and learn from it. I remind myself that each emotion is OK and normal and try to let myself feel it fully. 

Whether you are reading this dreaming of starting a family, raising one or watching your children on their own journeys, I am sending you a virtual hug and saying a prayer. I pray for you the same things I often pray for myself. I pray for wisdom, strength, courage and patience to face whatever the day brings. I also pray that you have loved ones and support system to help you through every emotion your day brings. I am grateful for mine (and I hope they know that).

Rediscovering Myself

Ever find yourself with a million thoughts swirling around in your head? Worry? Plans and dreams? Disappointments? To do lists? Emotions you can't control?

That's where I am at as I sit down to attempt to write. Trying to slow down the whirling swirling thoughts that are running through my head. The irony is I work with youth everyday trying to coach them on how to manage their worry, fear, feelings, and thoughts. Yet today I struggle with mine.

So what would I tell one of my youth? I might encourage taking care of their bodies - water, and exercise. Some I encourage to write down their thoughts - journal or make lists. Others I coach and encourage to be creative - let out their feelings and thoughts through art and music. Mindfulness and mediation helps others - focusing on breathing and ones 5 senses. Focus on thankfulness or positivity and seek 1 thing to be grateful for is another thing we sometimes work on. Others sometimes I can talk to about prayer or having faith in something bigger than themselves. 

As I go through this list of what I would tell my children (my own and those who I volunteer or work with) I came to realize I have been neglecting ALL - literally ALL - of these things myself. Somewhere along the line I have let the negativity of 2020, the desire to care for those all around me and the need to somehow make a difference in a world that is spinning out of my control cause me to forget about myself. 

Then I had a wakeup call. I came home from working 2 jobs (both of which I love, working with youth and families, making a difference) and realized I had nothing left. I was on empty. I poured myself out until I had nothing for anyone. I sat down on the couch and collapsed - an empty vessel. 

But I had no idea what to do about it or how to fix it. My husband and I both recognized it and we talked about it. I apologized to my daughter for it, for having nothing to give.  None of us had an answer.

The answer came from a few strange and unexpected places. Maybe you would say coincidence? I say God works in mysterious ways. 

Quarantine - one of the same things that caused our isolation, anxiety and worry was also one of my saving graces. When my husband and a person I worked with both got calls that they had been in contact with a positive Covid case, I found myself really on "lock down". No working, no errands, no anything. At first, it added to my stress and worry (a story for another entry). But then something else happened. Something I never would have expected.

I started playing a game over the summer. It's a global game with knights and castles and dragons. I met some people playing the game dealing with the same struggles in real life. They are from around the world, also missing loved ones, dealing with all that has been 2020. A few of them helped me and I don't even think they realize it. These strangers who I have never met somehow inspired me to rediscover myself. 

So here I sit. Doing the things I have been neglecting. First, I had a good cry, an ugly, let everything out kind of cry. Then I took a day to take care of myself. I think it was the first time in maybe a year I curled my hair or put on makeup. I am writing again (thank you ladies. you know who you are and I know you will read this!). I am praying again. I am planning to paint and sew and decorate. I am drinking more water and going for a walk to breath in the cool crisp November air. 

It's taken me a while and some unexpected circumstances to remember that I can't care for those I love if I don't love myself. I can't make a difference in the lives of others if I don't have control of MY life. I can't BE me if neglect to take care of me. 

So I write today for myself, because it helps me with my thoughts and feelings but also in the hope that maybe it will help and encourage you too. We are all struggling right now. Maybe you are feeling lost, alone and overwhelmed or maybe you are feeling you are on empty, barely keeping your head above water. Maybe it's not you but someone you love struggling with these things. I encourage you, please t

ake the time to love and care for yourself. Thank you to those who helped me find my light and rainbow during this stormy chapter of life.