If you are reading this you may know that this blog is sort of my on-line diary. A place where I try and sort out my thoughts and feelings in writing. I share them in hopes that maybe others who are struggling with the same thoughts and feelings can find hope or maybe inspiration. I share them so my friends who might read this can offer words of advice and wisdom or even correct me if I am wrong. I share them so I can look back a month or a year or several years from now and see how God has worked in my life and in the lives of my family. Here I can be real.
This year has been a tough year for my family. All families go through them. We struggle. We fight. We worry. We cry. We pray. We hug. We love. We keep on going. Recently, I have been calling them growing pains, because we have been growing but it hurts.
I know part of why it hurts is my expectations. Maybe others do this too? I expected marriage to be "happily ever after" at least most of the time. But why? One speaker, I forget his name or else I'd look up the exact quote, said something to the effect of "a family is 2 imperfect, sinful people raising other small, imperfect, sinful people". So where does this expectation that things will be perfect come from? For me, I am guilty of comparing myself to others. "That couple has the perfect marriage" "They have the perfect relationship with their kids" "Why can't my life be more like theirs?" or similar thoughts.
I have recently felt like people are looking to me to be perfect - the perfect wife, mom or Christian woman. Some have told me they are looking to me as an example. Others have been pointing out my mistakes, failures and imperfections. I can't really blame anyone for doing it though because I have been doing it myself. I have been expecting myself to be the perfect wife, mom or Christian woman, so I can't blame others for doing it too.
So today, as I sit in front of the computer screen, reading what's new in the world and in my friends lives, I found myself also praying for answers and help. Help to take these growing pains and learn from them and grow. And God answered. Over and over again words of hope, of forgiveness, of inspiration and of letting go came across my screen. Quotes and Scriptures and other words that remind me of the truth. I am not perfect. I never will be. I will make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes will hurt - myself or people I care about. Others around me aren't perfect either. They will make mistakes and those mistakes might hurt them or me. That's the truth.
But it's not the only truth. It is also true that God sees and knows our hearts. He knows our mistakes and our hurts. He loves us and is there for us to help us learn from the mistakes, to grow from them, to heal and love. We are weak but He is strong. I am not perfect. My husband is not perfect. My family and friends are not perfect. Yet God loves us all anyway. He is there always - even when we do something that disappoints him. He forgives us. He teaches us. He uses our weakness to show HIS strength!!
I am grateful for how God loves me. It is my prayer that when people look at me they don't see or expect to see a perfect wife, perfect mom or perfect Christian woman. I pray they see an imperfect woman who depends on God to give her strength. A woman who loves God and God uses in spite of her imperfections. and I know it's starts with me. I need to be the first one to see myself that way. Then maybe others will see it too.
